Thursday, January 1, 2015

I Have Wounds, Even Though You Cannot See Them.

I am going to join a Sexual Trauma Support Group next week. I am really scared because I have no idea what this is going to stir up/bring to the surface. I know I have lots of healing still to do and that really scares me. Sometimes it gets really bad and while I am not suicidal I do not want to live, at all. It becomes so overwhelming and I just can't cope. I can see why some people chose suicide, or attempt it. We live in a world where unless you are bleeding or visually can prove there is something wrong with you, people think you are making it up, do not take you seriously, and ignore. They give harmful suggestions like "you choose your happiness so just choose to be happy!", "you are in control of your emotions, so control them". I am here to tell you that those two statements are the biggest pile of bullshit ever. Ablsolute bullshit. The thought that people would chose to be depressed, anxious, angry (regarding bad things that happen to them), suicidal, obsessive compulsive, bipolar, manic depressive, and so on is completely illogical. You know that right? So why do people keep trying to tell others to just be happy and that you are in control of your emotions? Because we have an obession with control. If we are not in control/not under the illusion that we are in control we freak out. So we choose to not take people seriously when they say "I am fill in the blank", or "blank happened to me", and jump to the conclusion that they can control it if they just do xyz, or it never happened. If you do this you are part of the problem. If we allowed ourselves to be more open with our emotions and others took us seriously, the world would be a much better and healthier place. All emotions are a healthy reaction to things that happen in our life. It is what we choose to do with the emotions is where the ability to actually control factors in.

Don't get me wrong I too jump onto the fix it train at times, when really most of the time people just need to be believed, validated, heard, and supported. If we all chose right now to do just those four things the world would change overnight and it would be so helpful for everyone. Those who are struggling mentally/emotionally would get the validation and support they needed to keep trucking on, and those who do not struggle mentally/emotionally could fufill their desire to help by actually doing things that will help and make a difference in the other person life.

I was molested as a kid. It ruined my life. I find my life despite the great friends, family, and spouse in absolute shambles because of what happened to me. I am a victim working on becoming a survivior. It took most of my life to even get to the point where I no longer was in denial and truely faced what happend to me and how it has affected every piece of my life, and still does today. I often have the thought over and over that I do not want to live. This is not me wanting to committe suicide, it is my brain saying "I can't cope", "I don't want to do this anymore", "this is too much", "it hurts too much". The reason I am writing this down and putting it out there is because people need to know what it is like to be a victim of sexual abuse. Many of you might say "oh, well I know so and so and they seem fine/say they are fine". That my friends very well could be denial, which is a coping mechanism, and was me for many many years.  Trust me at some point in many victims lives, it will hit them like a brick wall and will leave them breathless and in shambles. It is true there are some people who are literally so resiliant that it will not result in that, but for many that is not the case.

You cannot see my wounds but they are just as real as any cut, or physical illness. It is hard to show them to people because they cannot be seen, and are so raw and personal. Also the fear that people will not believe you holds me and many others back. This post is me showing a bit of it, because I think it will help me heal, and I want others to know they are not alone.

If you want to help people, believe them when they tell you they are struggling, that they are hurt, that they need help, that something really really bad happened to them. Also never put blame on the victim. A victims brain automatically shifts into guilt mode, and by blaming them in anyway you are reaffirming those lies, which is really detrimental to that person. It is never the victims fault. EVER. I get no one wants to aknowledge all the bad things that are happening in this world but sexual abuse and abuse in general is so rampant and common that we need to stop ignoring and pretending it does not exist. It does, and ignoring it, blaming victims, and not believing victims only perpetuates the problem. Please do not be part of the problem.

I am a wounded soul telling you I am very very hurt. I am in shambles. I am struggling. I am in survival mode, and doing the best I can to cope and heal. I did not chose this, I would never ever chose this. Please believe me.

My wounds are real, my wounds are valid, and so are yours.

I belive you, I see you, I support you.