Sunday, November 30, 2014

I Miss Her More Than Life Itself

Today has been rough. While I was trying to make myself some dinner I was overwhelmed with grief of the loss of my mother (mentally, physically she is still alive but that too is deteriorating at a rapid pace) to the point where I could not feed myself, let alone function. I laid down on the kitchen floor and sobbed. Nate who could hear me in the living room asked if I was okay and came in and comforted me. I could barely talk and express my feelings and needs at the time. Nate lovingly listentened and comforted me, then made me something to eat.

I'm sad, depressed and overwhemled with grief. It has been hitting hard since Thanksgiving Day. The holidays are always hard now that she is sick, and by far the hardest time of the year.

I have been trying to help and focus on others and I am just so burned out. I can't care an ounce more right now, and just need to take some time to recoup and process. When I get like this my brain tells me that I am a burden and that people do not really care, and just feel obligated. I feel unworthy of others love and kindness. Depression is a evil beast that tells you so many lies, and while it is lurking iniside your soul you cannot see the truth. It is not possible to until it starts to lift.

I see her in me somtimes which is comforting yet so heartbreaking at the same time. I miss her more than words can express. I wish I could say goodbye properly, or that I could just have one more conversation, one more moment, or one more day with her. I would give anything to have some seblance of the mother I knew and loved. I feel like somtimes I am forgetting her, and through that, losing her forever. This spring it will be 6 years since her diagnosies. Six years since we all found out that there was nothing we could do but slowly watch the one we loved so dearly and completely die a slow death right before our eyes. A woman so full of light, love, kindess, happiness, and joy. One who touched everyone she met and loved so wholely and unconditionally.

It is unbearable to watch the person I love the most be snuffed out by a unforgiving and relentless disease that consumes the person wholey and completely. Her body is a constant reminder of what once was, what should be there. What is long lost, and can no longer be found. It is a unrelentless cycle of grief with no reprieve or closure because you're morning a person who is still physically there but otherwise completely gone. It baffles the mind and soul.

She is the one who comforted me in all my times of need, and saved me when my brain failed me. The pain at times is so severe it takes my breathe away, or leaves me parilized. I don't know what to do without her. I don't know how to live without her. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be with her.

Monday, July 14, 2014

It has been a while.

I took some time off from blogging publicly. I have a spiral notebook that is almost completely filled. I was at a point in my journey where I needed to just be very private. The last couple of months I have been doing some intensive therapy where I have worked on remembering my repressed memories of being molested. It is where you close your eyes, and you say everything that you remember. As time goes on you remember more, and more, each session. I now remember it all, and have "my story". I feel this is a crucial part in my healing process, because now I actually know what all happened and can process it all. One cannot fully cope with something you cannot remember.

I am still not working, or driving. This past week I switched up when I take my meds some, so that I get more help with anxiety in the day. Seems to be helping I just need to adjust to it since the medication I am talking about makes you sleepy.

I am still trucking along. Missing mom today, and wishing I could be with her before she got sick. Sometimes I feel like I am forgetting her. It's been so long since she has "been there", that it is hard to remember what she was like before. Which is troubling, and unnerving. I was thinking about how I learned empathy from her, and that is a quality I really relish and appreciate.

Lots of thoughts.