I wish my mom was dead so I could get some relief. It kills me inside to say that but it is the truth. I wish she was dead. She has been mentally gone a long time and the process of watching her slowly die in every way imaginable is Hell. I am tired. I want it to end. The last couple of months I have realized that the people close to the Alzheimer's victim suffer a great deal more than the victim themselves.
My mom is happy day to day. She has my dad and all of us kids who love her. She lives in the moment due to the almost complete destruction of her short term memory. So thinking much about yesterday or tomorrow or even 5 minutes ago is not a possibility for the most part. Constantly in the present. So my dad and brother being able to take care of her and doing a fantastic job equals her being happy. Which I am so very grateful for.
The rest of us are on the sideline watching her slowly die. Constantly in the past, present, and future. What I wouldn't give to just be in the moment with her. To not remember that she is dying, or what she use to be like. To just be able to enjoy her in that moment without realizing that she use to be able to feed herself as my dad helps her eat, or speak properly as she forgets words and struggles with others or all the other hundred things. To just enjoy her as she is right now. To forget that the woman who is sitting next to me is a stranger and a shell of the woman who was my saving grace while growing up. What I wouldn't give to have just one more day with her complete and whole. I would do anything for that. Sometimes I find myself pleading with God to make her better, to heal her, because I know he has the ability to, but he won't.
I am angry with him, very angry. I am tired, frustrated, in agony, and really really do not want to do this anymore.
Today I give up.