Monday, November 11, 2013

Church. Breakthrough.

I made it yesterday. We were 15 minuets late but fortunately there was a baby blessing and a bunch of stake business/announcements so we made it in time for the sacrament. I am definitely glad I went but since confronting my past and accepting that my mom is dying I have had mixed feelings towards church and the gospel in general. There has been a lot of anger, frustration, and confusion. I have had it out with God many times now, swearing and all. Thankfully I always feel better afterwards and am able to get a bit of peace and comfort.

I wish anger and frustration at God was taught as an acceptable feeling at times. Horrific things happen to us and others and anger and frustration is a perfectly healthy response. Even though I am still distant with God right now I know once I break through this, our relationship will be much stronger than before. I am letting myself feel what I feel instead of stifling the emotions because they are "bad". Anger and frustrations are perfectly healthy and normal to feel and God knows that. I was molested, my mom is dying a horrific death that is akin to watching a crash in slow motion, and you can't look or get away. If I didn't feel angry or frustrated something would be wrong with me, honestly. I am human, I have human emotions and responses and that is okay.

I have been to church only twice in the last couple of months as I am giving myself the distance and time to work through some things. Yesterday was the first time going in a long time that I didn't have a panic attack or have to drag myself to go. I wanted to go and was ready to, instead of pushing it like I was doing a while back.

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to be at peace with what is happening to my mom. I don't have to be okay with it, it is not expected of me to. I know some member of the church would say otherwise and that I need to be grateful for this trial. To them I say, F off. You do not know the relationship I have with with my Savior and Heavenly Father so don't try and tell me how I need to feel in regards to my trials. Plus you really think they expect me to be okay with it? Hell no. In time I will find peace again, and learn to accept what is happening, but I am never going to be okay with it.

I wish we were more open in church about the trials we faced so we could be of better support to each other. I wish we were less judgemental people so that people would be more willing and open to do so.

I am currently searching for others who understand my specific situation with my mom. I just learned about a support group with people around my age in Omaha. I feel really alone in all of this. I appreciate the love and support of others but need more people who understand and who can tell me how they made sense of it all/survived it.

I know things will continue to get better all around through time but sometimes it just gets so tiring. To those who are reading this who are amidst their own trials and tribulations, I feel for you, I too understand the loneliness and confusion. You are not alone in your feelings of sorrow, frustration, anger, and confusion. I am right there with you. It will get better right?

Especially those who have lost or are losing a loved one. I understand the broken heart, the emptiness, the utter dispair, and confusion. I am wading through it myself, your not alone.

We are never alone.


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I Wish My Mom Would Die.

I wish my mom was dead so I could get some relief. It kills me inside to say that but it is the truth. I wish she was dead. She has been mentally gone a long time and the process of watching her slowly die in every way imaginable is Hell. I am tired. I want it to end. The last couple of months I have realized that the people close to the Alzheimer's victim suffer a great deal more than the victim themselves.

My mom is happy day to day. She has my dad and all of us kids who love her. She lives in the moment due to the almost complete destruction of her short term memory. So thinking much about yesterday or tomorrow or even 5 minutes ago is not a possibility for the most part. Constantly in the present. So my dad and brother being able to take care of her and doing a fantastic job equals her being happy. Which I am so very grateful for.

The rest of us are on the sideline watching her slowly die. Constantly in the past, present, and future. What I wouldn't give to just be in the moment with her. To not remember that she is dying, or what she use to be like. To just be able to enjoy her in that moment without realizing that she use to be able to feed herself as my dad helps her eat, or speak properly as she forgets words and struggles with others or all the other hundred things. To just enjoy her as she is right now. To forget that the woman who is sitting next to me is a stranger and a shell of the woman who was my saving grace while growing up. What I wouldn't give to have just one more day with her complete and whole. I would do anything for that. Sometimes I find myself pleading with God to make her better, to heal her, because I know he has the ability to, but he won't.

I am angry with him, very angry. I am tired, frustrated, in agony, and really really do not want to do this anymore.

 Today I give up.