Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Heartbroken.

She wasn't suppose to leave me. How can she be happy without me?

When I went home I said goodbye and told her everything I wanted her to know. I told her I wish this wasn't so difficult for her. Her repsonse was that she is happy because my dad is taking care of her and because all us kids. This should make me happy right? Well it did at first knowing that she wasn't suffering but then the emotions came out.

I feel abandoned. I feel like she left me behind. The thought "how could she be happy without me" keeps racing through my mind. You may say I add to her happiness because she even said us kids make her happy. For me right now I can't believe that. Yes I think she enjoys seeing us for the most part. But you see she doesn't fully get to enjoy us. Her ability to feel joy feels so minimal because she can't keep up with our lives, or call us on the phone to chat now and again. Converstations will always be forgotten so there is no continuation of her keeping up on our lives except the basics. It feels like she is in this little box that can contain only so much, and almost nothing new. I am glad she is happy there, but at the same time I am not. She doesn't get to add to the box everything that has happened since her short term memory went. So it feels like the old me is the only thing that exist in her box because it is now gone and can't be accessed, frozen in time. I think to myself how can she be happy like that? It is because she doesn't know any different. I feel the real me here and now doesn't match the one in the box. I have changed and will never match.

She has been withindrawn within herself and with her the ability to reach her. To truely be with her, talk to her, feel her near. I haven't felt those things with her for so long. She's gone. There are glimpses of her but they are faint and hidden beneath the illness. I don't know this person. I don't want this person. I want my mom who is gone and will never come back. She left me behind and I don't know how to live without her. I don't want to live without her.

She is suppose to be here. She isn't suppose to be gone. None of this makes sense. There is no peace. She is stuck between earth and heaven and there is no way to reach her. To find her. I can't find her. I want her to come back, to be with me. For my family to be whole again and right. It's not okay that she is gone, it never will be.

I can't let her go because if I do it will be giving up on her. On some miracle that I know won't come but cry out for. I don't understand, I don't think I ever will. My heart is broken, it hurts so much.

It doesn't make sense, Alzheimer's doesn't make sense. It takes them away and traps them so nobody gets them. It goes so slowly and yet so fast all at the same time. It makes you want her to not live much longer so you can finally grieve for the last time. So you can be free of the torture. Free of watching the one you loved the most disapear, into nowhere. Not disapear to heaven, but to leave right in front of you but be there all the same, trapped. Trapped in a body that doesn't work anymore, doesn't let itself be the person you once loved inside of it. A body that mocks you, and makes you cringe. A body that reminds you of all that is lost every moment. It's so sick and twisted. It makes you long for their death then hate yourself for wishing it. It takes them before you can say goodbye. I tried to say goodbye but it's not her, it's not my mom. I can never say goodbye to my mom, never truely. I long for it, I wish I could go back and tell her how much I love her. How much she meant to me and that I don't know how to let her go. I want to ask her how to cope with loosing her, how it can be okay. To have her remind me that it will be okay. To have her pray for me, that I will find peace.

Somtimes I talk to God. Not very often lately. I tell him I am mad, and I can't let go. I tell him that this shouldn't be happening and it doesn't make sense. That he should have never taken her from me. I ask him why she is stuck in this limbo between here and there. What purpose it serves because I can't understand. I don't think he has an answer for me. No any that I already know, which do not satisfy. I ask him how could he take her away from me. How he could be so crewl. I somtimes get peace when I do this but the pain never goes away. How do I live with it? How do I let it become apart of me and accept it? The truth is I don't want to because as far as I am concerned this isn't okay, and he should not have taken her. Being at peace with it all in my eyes would be letting go of her and I can't. I'm not ready.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

F This Life.

I am really tired of dealing with all the shit I have been handed in this life. I know I am going through a phase but I am really really angry. I'm angry at God for not stopping me from being molested as a kid, and for taking my mom away from me so slowly, painfully and without any relief or hope. I am fucking mad, so mad. How could he let this happen to me? To those who say you should be thankful for your trials and sometimes even ask for them Fuck you. Have you felt what Hell is like? Do you know what it is like to lose your one source of reason, peace and constant love that you have had since you were a kid. To what.... Alzheimer's. The disease that slowly takes them away from you, every aspect of who they were in every way imaginable. For fucks sake my mom can't even put toothpaste on a toothbrush and brush her teeth, she can't form words well and often only says parts of the letters in word. She can't talk to me on the phone and ask me how I am doing and if things are alright. Even if she could ask and I answered she wouldn't remember. She is always in the present, never in the past or the future because she can no longer think like that. In many ways she is functioning like a four year old.

When I went home I was able to have my moment with her and say everything I wanted to tell her that I wrote up in a previous blog post. She told me that she is happy because my dad is taking really could care of her when most would leave, and because she has us kids and the grandkids who are all happy and well. It was a great moment and I wept with her. A conversation I will always have and remember, but she will not.

I was hoping to walk away from that trip with a sense of peace and acceptance, but was left depressed, angry, and destroyed. I had (during the trip and now) strong feelings of resentment towards her that I know logically I should not, but they are just what I am feeling and going through. Thats the thing with emotions, you can't "clear them up" with logic, they just are. Feelings need to be accepted, felt, and hopefully they subside. I felt resentment towards her for being happy when the rest of us get to deal with all the pain and heartache. That it isn't fair she is happy and I am not when "she is doing this to me". I feel abandoned and left behind. I feel resentment that not only is she gone but I only get half of my dad because the other half is consumed by her illness and taking care of her. Instead of two parents I have half a parent, and it sucks. I know these are things I am feeling at this time, and it won't last forever but they are there now and they are real and I can't hide or repress them because then I would never be rid of them.

By going home a whole new can of worms was opened instead of getting some closure, and that pisses me off. I want some peace, I want some comfort. I have not been to church in about a month because my depression and anxiety can be so debilitating and being around the spirit with the horrible feelings only enhanches them and makes it so I can't breathe. To where I have one panic attack after another. I am tired of being contantly filled with guilt, anger, depression, anxiety. Somtimes I run through them all in one day and other times I am stuck with one for a week.

The previous days  this week were filled with complete and utter despair and anxiety. Today is despair, anxiety with some anger mixed in. I have no desire to do anything and showering is like climbing  Mt. Everest or some other enormous feat. I feel depressed and hopeless and then I feel bad that I can't be happy for Nate. That I can't just work through this in a Jiffy and be happy and content and well. I wish I could will myself to be well if not for me for him. But I can't and I feel terrible about it.

It's such a terrible Catch 22. The person who throughout my life brought me stability, peace, and comfort is the one "causing" part of my turmoil. Not only am I going through all of this but I can't go to the one person who was my safe place. Nate does a great job for the most part of doing what he can to help me but there is something about a mother's love that can never replaced or duplicated. Not only do I have to grieve the loss of her but I have to grieve the loss of our relationship, and eventually the loss of her body.

I mentioned I was molested, this happened when I was a young child. I will not go into the details because I don't want to. I will only talk about how I am dealing with it now. I am sharing it to give insight into my mental health, and with the hopes that it will help someone, because like it or not abuse is very rampant.

It was about March of this year that I started seeing a new counselor who taught me how to accept my feelings for what they are, not good or bad, and to just feel them. This came as a huge relief after years and years of repressing feeling and trying to control them. The honest truth is you can't control your emotions, just what you do with them. Instead of trying to control something that could not be controlled I could now accept how I was feeling, feel it and then in time it would subside some. The first 6 weeks were Hell, going from one repressed emotion, stopping at each one for about a week at a time. I was going to counseling 2 or 3 times a week to help remind me of the new thought process and how to do it. I was finally feeling really well right before my trip but while home and now after I feel like I have been thrown right back into those 6 weeks of Hell to do them all over again. I am hoping and praying this round isn't as long and I get some relief soon. I'm very tired. I want to be healthy and back to my happy self again. I am so tired, so very very tired and exhausted.

Through this process I have learned I had a ton of repressed feelings and emotions that for years have been revealing themselves through my Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. These are thoughts and emotions that I believe to be a result of me being molested. When people are young when they are abused their brains are in no way developed enough to process and cope with that. For me those feelings and emotions were repressed and seen as my mental illnesses. Now I am not saying I won't still struggle with Anxiety, OCD thoughts, and Depression when I have worked through all of this, I have no way of knowing that. I do believe that what happened to me as a kid brought that part of me out and exacerbated, if not caused it.

This process despite being Hell has brought great insight into my life. I have been able to conect the dots and make sense of things, but with that brings the need to go through acceptance.

Things I am struggling to accept are; that I was molested as a child, that my mom is dying, and that I have already lost her in so many ways.

You may still be wondering why I would share that I was molested. Along with what I said earlier, I have been counseled to find ways to take "control" of what happened and this is a way I can do that. Plus I am always open to talking to others who can relate in some way and putting it out there is the first step to a dialouge. It's my way of finding meaning admidst a horrible situation.

P.S.
You may have noticed that I calmed down some the more I wrote. This just goes to show how helpful getting your feelings out can be, whether it is out loud or in writing, it can be very cathartic. Also for those who may want to contact me to have someone to relate to you can email me at WEE05001 at byui dot edu.


Maquel