Monday, July 29, 2013

I Don't Know How To Live Without Her

I don't know how to live without my mom. Her being physcially still there but mentally gone plays tricks on me. While I am away it gives me a false sense that I still have my mom, as long as I do not think about it too hard. When I do think about it the reality of the situation hits me and I fall apart. The pain and loss take my breath away and I curl up in the fetal position somewhere and cry hysterically. I feel like I can't live anymore. That I can't take it anymore and just want to die so I can be with her when she physically dies. I feel as though I would rather die and leave everyone than feel this loss anymore. I want to escape it and that is the only way to do it, but I can't. I don't want to hurt and be without her anymore. I long for her and wish she could be with me.

When I go to see her it is always a slap in the face, seeing her body there alive and moving but knowing she is gone. It mocks and torments me, always reminding me of what was once there. She was always a huge part of my life and I always looked to her for guidance. She was my source of comfort, peace, belonging, and love. My husband has taken on those roles but it isn't the same. A mother's love and care can never be replaced, and when it's gone it is devestating. I don't know how to live without her, I don't want to live without her, yet I have no choice.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Saying Goodbye.

Mama,

I am coming to visit you this August and I decided I am going to say goodbye then, so that when you get really sick to where I can't have those moments where you are there, I will have already said goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye but I want to do it before I can no longer reach you. I want you to know how rare and precious those moments are when I am able to reach you and truely talk to you. I miss you.

Things I want to say/you to know;
  • You were the best mom for me, in every way. I honestly don't think I would still be on this earth without all your love and help during my hard times with my mental health. 
  • Thank you so much for nursing me back to health when I got really sick senior year. I can never thank you or repay you for that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 
  • Sorry if I was ever a burden, I know you don't feel as though I ever was but I still want to say sorry. 
  • You have taught me how to be a wife, mother, and daughter of God. Thank you for that.
  • Your example of service to others around you has always stuck out to me when I think back. You would be there for anyone of us kids and others in a heartbeat. I loved that about you and strive to be like that. 
  • I will never forget seeing you kneeling on your bedside in ernest prayer. I can't even count how many times I walked in on you praying for us kids and others. My testimony of prayer is founded on you, and how I knew that if you prayed on my behalf to Heavenly Father, he would hear and answer your prayers without a doubt. The saying actions speak louder than words was never truer when it came to you.
  • Thank you for being a great example of a wife. I know what a great marriage looks like because of you and dad. I never once doubted your love for him (and vice versa).
  • I don't want you to ever feel like a burden, we all love you and want to do everything in our power to help you. You didn't choose this and we are here now to take care of you.  It is our turn to return the favor, and we wouldn't have it any other way. 
  • I'm scared about the future, and what it will be like without you. I don't ever want to say goodbye. It will be so bittersweet having you leave us. Sweet knowing you will be free from this disease and can feel whole again. Bitter having to say goodbye and you leaving us behind, I don't want you to leave me, I don't know what I will do without you.
  • I will tell my kids all about you and we will talk of you often. You will not be forgotten, I promise. 
  • I want you to know how much of an impact you have made on so many lives over the years. Don't ever feel like you are not leaving a mark behind. You will forever be in the hearts of so many people as you have been a force for good for so many. 
  • I was so blessed to have you as a mom. I honestly do not know how I got so lucky to have you. I wouldn't trade you for the world and everything in it, honestly.
  • You will always be in my heart, forever a part of me. Alzhiemer's may take you away from me but the impact you have had on me with always be there and I am so very grateful for that. 
  • Tell Grandpa I love and miss him dearly. Tell Dave I look forward to really getting to know him. Tell Grandma Weed I'm so glad she is no longer sick and that I miss having sleepovers and going to the movies with her. Tell Grandpa Weed I am looking forward to meeting him.
Mama I love you to the moon and back,

Kelli

Friday, July 12, 2013

Today I Can't Stop Crying.

Lately I have been really troubled with all the horrific things that goes on in this world. All the people who are born into awful circumstances which leads to habits and behaviors that are carryied with them the rest of their lives. I am tired of people looking at others and assuming that what they are doing was a logical choice they made. People do things as a result of other things. One thing leads to another and it breaks my heart to see the patterns. As a nation we look down on those who don't have money, who are homless, drug addicts, prostitutes, in abusive relationships, etc. as if they chose this. Who in the Hell would choose that? Seriously who would? NO ONE. We talk as if it there is a easy solution, a easy way out, but if there was no one would be stuck in it. We think we are superior because we "haven't made those mistakes". Shame on us, shame on us all for thinking that. People don't stay in horrific situations because they want to. They stay because others judge and assume instead of giving a helping had. They stay because they have a sick warped sense that this is normal and healthy due to it being all they have ever known, or what they have learned to be normal. They stay because the life has been sucked out  of them, the will to get out so far from their grasps. They stay because they don't know a way out. They stay because they have powerful addictions that consume them and their being.


No one would chose this. No one.

When I see these people my heart aches, I wish I could help them. I wish I could just wrap them in my arms and make them feel; loved, at peace, that things will be okay, that they can do this, that they deserve better. I wish I could give them the will to try, to plant a seed of hope. I wish I could save them from themselves and others. I wish they didn't have to feel the gut wrenching heartache of this life that we all feel one way or another. I wish I could save them all.