Tuesday, April 23, 2013

B.W.




I was just responding to a comment that someone made in a very old post and the reality of my mother's illness hit me, hard. I am overwhelmed with the feelings of loss and longing and worry. I long for the woman my mom once was. The illness has killed so many parts of her, that it is hard to believe she is the same person sometimes.

Remembering her is so bitter-sweet. I'm scared of what is to come, right now coping is doable. She is still very happy for the most part and upbeat. Her ability to use the bathroom is still there and to walk and get around. Her long term memory is there so she knows all of us kids and those who have been around for a while.

 Chances are very high it all will be gone someday, will I be able to recognize her at all? Will I be able to handle being around her? What will happen with my dad? How will he get through loosing the love of his life and best friend? I worry about all us kids especially Chad who is so tenderhearted. Will she be around to meet any of my children? Will she be around to meet Chad and Chris's wife? How much will she suffer? Will her mom outlive her, and if so will she be able to bear loosing another child? All her siblings, how will they handle it?

I'm tired of watching her slowly slip away. I'm tired of her being gone. She has been steady for about a year, but I'm worried about when she starts slipping away from us again. It will happen and there is nothing we can do. That is the worst feeling in the world.