Monday, November 11, 2013

Church. Breakthrough.

I made it yesterday. We were 15 minuets late but fortunately there was a baby blessing and a bunch of stake business/announcements so we made it in time for the sacrament. I am definitely glad I went but since confronting my past and accepting that my mom is dying I have had mixed feelings towards church and the gospel in general. There has been a lot of anger, frustration, and confusion. I have had it out with God many times now, swearing and all. Thankfully I always feel better afterwards and am able to get a bit of peace and comfort.

I wish anger and frustration at God was taught as an acceptable feeling at times. Horrific things happen to us and others and anger and frustration is a perfectly healthy response. Even though I am still distant with God right now I know once I break through this, our relationship will be much stronger than before. I am letting myself feel what I feel instead of stifling the emotions because they are "bad". Anger and frustrations are perfectly healthy and normal to feel and God knows that. I was molested, my mom is dying a horrific death that is akin to watching a crash in slow motion, and you can't look or get away. If I didn't feel angry or frustrated something would be wrong with me, honestly. I am human, I have human emotions and responses and that is okay.

I have been to church only twice in the last couple of months as I am giving myself the distance and time to work through some things. Yesterday was the first time going in a long time that I didn't have a panic attack or have to drag myself to go. I wanted to go and was ready to, instead of pushing it like I was doing a while back.

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to be at peace with what is happening to my mom. I don't have to be okay with it, it is not expected of me to. I know some member of the church would say otherwise and that I need to be grateful for this trial. To them I say, F off. You do not know the relationship I have with with my Savior and Heavenly Father so don't try and tell me how I need to feel in regards to my trials. Plus you really think they expect me to be okay with it? Hell no. In time I will find peace again, and learn to accept what is happening, but I am never going to be okay with it.

I wish we were more open in church about the trials we faced so we could be of better support to each other. I wish we were less judgemental people so that people would be more willing and open to do so.

I am currently searching for others who understand my specific situation with my mom. I just learned about a support group with people around my age in Omaha. I feel really alone in all of this. I appreciate the love and support of others but need more people who understand and who can tell me how they made sense of it all/survived it.

I know things will continue to get better all around through time but sometimes it just gets so tiring. To those who are reading this who are amidst their own trials and tribulations, I feel for you, I too understand the loneliness and confusion. You are not alone in your feelings of sorrow, frustration, anger, and confusion. I am right there with you. It will get better right?

Especially those who have lost or are losing a loved one. I understand the broken heart, the emptiness, the utter dispair, and confusion. I am wading through it myself, your not alone.

We are never alone.


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I Wish My Mom Would Die.

I wish my mom was dead so I could get some relief. It kills me inside to say that but it is the truth. I wish she was dead. She has been mentally gone a long time and the process of watching her slowly die in every way imaginable is Hell. I am tired. I want it to end. The last couple of months I have realized that the people close to the Alzheimer's victim suffer a great deal more than the victim themselves.

My mom is happy day to day. She has my dad and all of us kids who love her. She lives in the moment due to the almost complete destruction of her short term memory. So thinking much about yesterday or tomorrow or even 5 minutes ago is not a possibility for the most part. Constantly in the present. So my dad and brother being able to take care of her and doing a fantastic job equals her being happy. Which I am so very grateful for.

The rest of us are on the sideline watching her slowly die. Constantly in the past, present, and future. What I wouldn't give to just be in the moment with her. To not remember that she is dying, or what she use to be like. To just be able to enjoy her in that moment without realizing that she use to be able to feed herself as my dad helps her eat, or speak properly as she forgets words and struggles with others or all the other hundred things. To just enjoy her as she is right now. To forget that the woman who is sitting next to me is a stranger and a shell of the woman who was my saving grace while growing up. What I wouldn't give to have just one more day with her complete and whole. I would do anything for that. Sometimes I find myself pleading with God to make her better, to heal her, because I know he has the ability to, but he won't.

I am angry with him, very angry. I am tired, frustrated, in agony, and really really do not want to do this anymore.

 Today I give up.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


She wasn't suppose to leave me. How can she be happy without me?

When I went home I said goodbye and told her everything I wanted her to know. I told her I wish this wasn't so difficult for her. Her repsonse was that she is happy because my dad is taking care of her and because all us kids. This should make me happy right? Well it did at first knowing that she wasn't suffering but then the emotions came out.

I feel abandoned. I feel like she left me behind. The thought "how could she be happy without me" keeps racing through my mind. You may say I add to her happiness because she even said us kids make her happy. For me right now I can't believe that. Yes I think she enjoys seeing us for the most part. But you see she doesn't fully get to enjoy us. Her ability to feel joy feels so minimal because she can't keep up with our lives, or call us on the phone to chat now and again. Converstations will always be forgotten so there is no continuation of her keeping up on our lives except the basics. It feels like she is in this little box that can contain only so much, and almost nothing new. I am glad she is happy there, but at the same time I am not. She doesn't get to add to the box everything that has happened since her short term memory went. So it feels like the old me is the only thing that exist in her box because it is now gone and can't be accessed, frozen in time. I think to myself how can she be happy like that? It is because she doesn't know any different. I feel the real me here and now doesn't match the one in the box. I have changed and will never match.

She has been withindrawn within herself and with her the ability to reach her. To truely be with her, talk to her, feel her near. I haven't felt those things with her for so long. She's gone. There are glimpses of her but they are faint and hidden beneath the illness. I don't know this person. I don't want this person. I want my mom who is gone and will never come back. She left me behind and I don't know how to live without her. I don't want to live without her.

She is suppose to be here. She isn't suppose to be gone. None of this makes sense. There is no peace. She is stuck between earth and heaven and there is no way to reach her. To find her. I can't find her. I want her to come back, to be with me. For my family to be whole again and right. It's not okay that she is gone, it never will be.

I can't let her go because if I do it will be giving up on her. On some miracle that I know won't come but cry out for. I don't understand, I don't think I ever will. My heart is broken, it hurts so much.

It doesn't make sense, Alzheimer's doesn't make sense. It takes them away and traps them so nobody gets them. It goes so slowly and yet so fast all at the same time. It makes you want her to not live much longer so you can finally grieve for the last time. So you can be free of the torture. Free of watching the one you loved the most disapear, into nowhere. Not disapear to heaven, but to leave right in front of you but be there all the same, trapped. Trapped in a body that doesn't work anymore, doesn't let itself be the person you once loved inside of it. A body that mocks you, and makes you cringe. A body that reminds you of all that is lost every moment. It's so sick and twisted. It makes you long for their death then hate yourself for wishing it. It takes them before you can say goodbye. I tried to say goodbye but it's not her, it's not my mom. I can never say goodbye to my mom, never truely. I long for it, I wish I could go back and tell her how much I love her. How much she meant to me and that I don't know how to let her go. I want to ask her how to cope with loosing her, how it can be okay. To have her remind me that it will be okay. To have her pray for me, that I will find peace.

Somtimes I talk to God. Not very often lately. I tell him I am mad, and I can't let go. I tell him that this shouldn't be happening and it doesn't make sense. That he should have never taken her from me. I ask him why she is stuck in this limbo between here and there. What purpose it serves because I can't understand. I don't think he has an answer for me. No any that I already know, which do not satisfy. I ask him how could he take her away from me. How he could be so crewl. I somtimes get peace when I do this but the pain never goes away. How do I live with it? How do I let it become apart of me and accept it? The truth is I don't want to because as far as I am concerned this isn't okay, and he should not have taken her. Being at peace with it all in my eyes would be letting go of her and I can't. I'm not ready.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

F This Life.

I am really tired of dealing with all the shit I have been handed in this life. I know I am going through a phase but I am really really angry. I'm angry at God for not stopping me from being molested as a kid, and for taking my mom away from me so slowly, painfully and without any relief or hope. I am fucking mad, so mad. How could he let this happen to me? To those who say you should be thankful for your trials and sometimes even ask for them Fuck you. Have you felt what Hell is like? Do you know what it is like to lose your one source of reason, peace and constant love that you have had since you were a kid. To what.... Alzheimer's. The disease that slowly takes them away from you, every aspect of who they were in every way imaginable. For fucks sake my mom can't even put toothpaste on a toothbrush and brush her teeth, she can't form words well and often only says parts of the letters in word. She can't talk to me on the phone and ask me how I am doing and if things are alright. Even if she could ask and I answered she wouldn't remember. She is always in the present, never in the past or the future because she can no longer think like that. In many ways she is functioning like a four year old.

When I went home I was able to have my moment with her and say everything I wanted to tell her that I wrote up in a previous blog post. She told me that she is happy because my dad is taking really could care of her when most would leave, and because she has us kids and the grandkids who are all happy and well. It was a great moment and I wept with her. A conversation I will always have and remember, but she will not.

I was hoping to walk away from that trip with a sense of peace and acceptance, but was left depressed, angry, and destroyed. I had (during the trip and now) strong feelings of resentment towards her that I know logically I should not, but they are just what I am feeling and going through. Thats the thing with emotions, you can't "clear them up" with logic, they just are. Feelings need to be accepted, felt, and hopefully they subside. I felt resentment towards her for being happy when the rest of us get to deal with all the pain and heartache. That it isn't fair she is happy and I am not when "she is doing this to me". I feel abandoned and left behind. I feel resentment that not only is she gone but I only get half of my dad because the other half is consumed by her illness and taking care of her. Instead of two parents I have half a parent, and it sucks. I know these are things I am feeling at this time, and it won't last forever but they are there now and they are real and I can't hide or repress them because then I would never be rid of them.

By going home a whole new can of worms was opened instead of getting some closure, and that pisses me off. I want some peace, I want some comfort. I have not been to church in about a month because my depression and anxiety can be so debilitating and being around the spirit with the horrible feelings only enhanches them and makes it so I can't breathe. To where I have one panic attack after another. I am tired of being contantly filled with guilt, anger, depression, anxiety. Somtimes I run through them all in one day and other times I am stuck with one for a week.

The previous days  this week were filled with complete and utter despair and anxiety. Today is despair, anxiety with some anger mixed in. I have no desire to do anything and showering is like climbing  Mt. Everest or some other enormous feat. I feel depressed and hopeless and then I feel bad that I can't be happy for Nate. That I can't just work through this in a Jiffy and be happy and content and well. I wish I could will myself to be well if not for me for him. But I can't and I feel terrible about it.

It's such a terrible Catch 22. The person who throughout my life brought me stability, peace, and comfort is the one "causing" part of my turmoil. Not only am I going through all of this but I can't go to the one person who was my safe place. Nate does a great job for the most part of doing what he can to help me but there is something about a mother's love that can never replaced or duplicated. Not only do I have to grieve the loss of her but I have to grieve the loss of our relationship, and eventually the loss of her body.

I mentioned I was molested, this happened when I was a young child. I will not go into the details because I don't want to. I will only talk about how I am dealing with it now. I am sharing it to give insight into my mental health, and with the hopes that it will help someone, because like it or not abuse is very rampant.

It was about March of this year that I started seeing a new counselor who taught me how to accept my feelings for what they are, not good or bad, and to just feel them. This came as a huge relief after years and years of repressing feeling and trying to control them. The honest truth is you can't control your emotions, just what you do with them. Instead of trying to control something that could not be controlled I could now accept how I was feeling, feel it and then in time it would subside some. The first 6 weeks were Hell, going from one repressed emotion, stopping at each one for about a week at a time. I was going to counseling 2 or 3 times a week to help remind me of the new thought process and how to do it. I was finally feeling really well right before my trip but while home and now after I feel like I have been thrown right back into those 6 weeks of Hell to do them all over again. I am hoping and praying this round isn't as long and I get some relief soon. I'm very tired. I want to be healthy and back to my happy self again. I am so tired, so very very tired and exhausted.

Through this process I have learned I had a ton of repressed feelings and emotions that for years have been revealing themselves through my Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. These are thoughts and emotions that I believe to be a result of me being molested. When people are young when they are abused their brains are in no way developed enough to process and cope with that. For me those feelings and emotions were repressed and seen as my mental illnesses. Now I am not saying I won't still struggle with Anxiety, OCD thoughts, and Depression when I have worked through all of this, I have no way of knowing that. I do believe that what happened to me as a kid brought that part of me out and exacerbated, if not caused it.

This process despite being Hell has brought great insight into my life. I have been able to conect the dots and make sense of things, but with that brings the need to go through acceptance.

Things I am struggling to accept are; that I was molested as a child, that my mom is dying, and that I have already lost her in so many ways.

You may still be wondering why I would share that I was molested. Along with what I said earlier, I have been counseled to find ways to take "control" of what happened and this is a way I can do that. Plus I am always open to talking to others who can relate in some way and putting it out there is the first step to a dialouge. It's my way of finding meaning admidst a horrible situation.

You may have noticed that I calmed down some the more I wrote. This just goes to show how helpful getting your feelings out can be, whether it is out loud or in writing, it can be very cathartic. Also for those who may want to contact me to have someone to relate to you can email me at WEE05001 at byui dot edu.


Saturday, August 24, 2013

My Mom Is Dying.

I found out spring of 2009 when my dad called me to let me know of her diagnosis. I can still vividly remember that moment to this day. Nate and I were test driving a car to buy and I received a call from my dad during the drive. Our family had known of the possibility of Alzheimer's for months but it had never really hit me. At the time I really didn't know much about the disease and that it would kill her. The news was still devastating despite my lack of knowledge and understanding of the disease. At the time I was working at a daycare and they would have me go cover people in the baby room so they could take their lunch break. Those babies were the only comfort I felt for a long while, just holding them would make me feel a little better, a little happy. It would help fill the whole in my heart that was now there for a moment.

For years I was in denial that it was going to kill her. I had already witnessed the changes in her and her slipping away previous to the diagnosis. I could acknowledge that something was indeed seriously wrong but my brain wasn't ready to accept that she was dying before my eyes.

Christmas of 2011 Nate and I were spending the holiday at his parents house. I remember finally beginning to accept that something was very very wrong with my mother and I needed to find out the whole truth about the situation. I called my dad and asked him what was going to happen to mom and what all the disease entailed. He told me about how she was going to steadily decline and there was no way to tell what would go next, or how quickly. He told me it was going to slowly kill her and that she had anywhere from 5-15 difficult years or so ahead of her. It broke my heart, and it has never been the same. It is indescribable coming to the realization that the woman who raised and loved you all your life has been slowly dying before your eyes. That those pieces are never coming back, taken forever. That you now get to see her slowly slip away in every way imaginable, her body physically reminding you of what was once there but now gone.

This is what Alzheimer's does, it kills, slowly and painfully. It is a silent killer, hiding beneath the surface masking itself in symptoms that are often misdiagnosed at first. Most people have had the disease for 10 or more years before diagnosis. There is no treatment, there is no cure. All they have so far is medicine that masks some of the symptoms, which in time stops working at all.

That isn't enough. Having someone you love dying from this disease is an indescribable Hell. There is no treatment to give you hope that they can beat it, or get better. It is a death sentence and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I am walking to find a cure in honor of my mom who was the best person I have ever met. She brought joy and happiness to everyone she came in contact with. She saved me many times throughout my life, and I know I would not still be here had she not been apart of my life during my times of difficulty. I'm walking so that one day they will find a cure for this death sentence. To find some form(s) of treatment to give families some hope, to help lighten the load.

I have set up a page where you can sign up for my walk (free registration) and donate. I have a goal of raising 1,000 dollars and if you are able to help I would greatly appreciate it. The walk I am doing is in Lincoln Nebraska and I know many of you are not able to participate due to distance (or other circumstances). If that is the case you can sign up to do a virtual walk or go look up where a walk is near you (which there are A LOT). Another thing you can do is write words of encouragement on this page. I will be having my dad checking in on it, and will be sure to have him read anything that is written to my mom to her (she can no longer read).

I know in times when people are hurting it is hard to know what to do for them. Here is a list of things you can do to help me if that is something you are wanting to do:

* Talk to me about memories you have of my mom, those who have had the privileged of meeting her. Or ways she helped you in your life. Feel free to share them below.

* You don't have to come up with some magical thing to say to make me feel better. All I need is to know you care. Plain and simple. If you really want to know how I am feeling and what is going on ask me, I am open to sharing with those who are sincere in wanting to know (please don't ask if you just feel obligated to).

* Join me in my walk Sept 15th if you are able to, it would mean the world to me. If you can't join my walk, join me virtually or find one near you and tell me about it.

* Share my blog with anyone you think it might help. That is a huge reason why I write on there and am so open. It is difficult to put myself out there in that way but it is something I feel strongly I need to do. I keep doing it in the hopes it will help people in any situation they are in.

* Don't distance yourself from my mom and dad.
I know this is something we tend to do in situations where we don't know what to say or how to handle something. I completely understand how seeing my mom is alarming and difficult because of how different she is. You are not going to break her or make things worse so don't avoid her. My parents need you. If you are avoiding them because you don't know what to do/how to help/what is going on with my mom just ask me or my dad. What is happening to my mom is the equivalent of someone being terminally ill with cancer, that is how severe it is. I know this disease is hard to wrap your head around and understand but you are needed. There are so very many ways to help: a nice card, sending flowers (my mom adores them), doing some service for my parents around the house (my dad is having to do everything now when it comes to cleaning, cooking, managing bills/household while also talking care of my mom 24/7), coming to visit my mom (Her long term memory is still there so there are still plenty of things to talk about), calling my dad up and seeing how he is doing, bringing them meals, coming into the house and watching a movie with my mom so my dad can run some errands or go for a motorcycle ride to get some "me" time. The list goes one and feel free to ask me and we can come up with something that is comfortable for you, I promise.

* Remember my mom. Whether it is just taking a moment to remember her and the encounters you had with with her, or actually sharing how she blessed your life with others.

* Cherish your loved ones. Tell those in your life how much they mean to you.

Below is the link to my site where you can sign up for a walk near you, sign up for my walk virtually or physically (free to join walk), and donate if you feel so inclined.

My walk page.

Thank you for reading about my story and I hope in some way not matter how small it has helped you.


Monday, July 29, 2013

I Don't Know How To Live Without Her

I don't know how to live without my mom. Her being physcially still there but mentally gone plays tricks on me. While I am away it gives me a false sense that I still have my mom, as long as I do not think about it too hard. When I do think about it the reality of the situation hits me and I fall apart. The pain and loss take my breath away and I curl up in the fetal position somewhere and cry hysterically. I feel like I can't live anymore. That I can't take it anymore and just want to die so I can be with her when she physically dies. I feel as though I would rather die and leave everyone than feel this loss anymore. I want to escape it and that is the only way to do it, but I can't. I don't want to hurt and be without her anymore. I long for her and wish she could be with me.

When I go to see her it is always a slap in the face, seeing her body there alive and moving but knowing she is gone. It mocks and torments me, always reminding me of what was once there. She was always a huge part of my life and I always looked to her for guidance. She was my source of comfort, peace, belonging, and love. My husband has taken on those roles but it isn't the same. A mother's love and care can never be replaced, and when it's gone it is devestating. I don't know how to live without her, I don't want to live without her, yet I have no choice.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Saying Goodbye.


I am coming to visit you this August and I decided I am going to say goodbye then, so that when you get really sick to where I can't have those moments where you are there, I will have already said goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye but I want to do it before I can no longer reach you. I want you to know how rare and precious those moments are when I am able to reach you and truely talk to you. I miss you.

Things I want to say/you to know;
  • You were the best mom for me, in every way. I honestly don't think I would still be on this earth without all your love and help during my hard times with my mental health. 
  • Thank you so much for nursing me back to health when I got really sick senior year. I can never thank you or repay you for that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 
  • Sorry if I was ever a burden, I know you don't feel as though I ever was but I still want to say sorry. 
  • You have taught me how to be a wife, mother, and daughter of God. Thank you for that.
  • Your example of service to others around you has always stuck out to me when I think back. You would be there for anyone of us kids and others in a heartbeat. I loved that about you and strive to be like that. 
  • I will never forget seeing you kneeling on your bedside in ernest prayer. I can't even count how many times I walked in on you praying for us kids and others. My testimony of prayer is founded on you, and how I knew that if you prayed on my behalf to Heavenly Father, he would hear and answer your prayers without a doubt. The saying actions speak louder than words was never truer when it came to you.
  • Thank you for being a great example of a wife. I know what a great marriage looks like because of you and dad. I never once doubted your love for him (and vice versa).
  • I don't want you to ever feel like a burden, we all love you and want to do everything in our power to help you. You didn't choose this and we are here now to take care of you.  It is our turn to return the favor, and we wouldn't have it any other way. 
  • I'm scared about the future, and what it will be like without you. I don't ever want to say goodbye. It will be so bittersweet having you leave us. Sweet knowing you will be free from this disease and can feel whole again. Bitter having to say goodbye and you leaving us behind, I don't want you to leave me, I don't know what I will do without you.
  • I will tell my kids all about you and we will talk of you often. You will not be forgotten, I promise. 
  • I want you to know how much of an impact you have made on so many lives over the years. Don't ever feel like you are not leaving a mark behind. You will forever be in the hearts of so many people as you have been a force for good for so many. 
  • I was so blessed to have you as a mom. I honestly do not know how I got so lucky to have you. I wouldn't trade you for the world and everything in it, honestly.
  • You will always be in my heart, forever a part of me. Alzhiemer's may take you away from me but the impact you have had on me with always be there and I am so very grateful for that. 
  • Tell Grandpa I love and miss him dearly. Tell Dave I look forward to really getting to know him. Tell Grandma Weed I'm so glad she is no longer sick and that I miss having sleepovers and going to the movies with her. Tell Grandpa Weed I am looking forward to meeting him.
Mama I love you to the moon and back,


Friday, July 12, 2013

Today I Can't Stop Crying.

Lately I have been really troubled with all the horrific things that goes on in this world. All the people who are born into awful circumstances which leads to habits and behaviors that are carryied with them the rest of their lives. I am tired of people looking at others and assuming that what they are doing was a logical choice they made. People do things as a result of other things. One thing leads to another and it breaks my heart to see the patterns. As a nation we look down on those who don't have money, who are homless, drug addicts, prostitutes, in abusive relationships, etc. as if they chose this. Who in the Hell would choose that? Seriously who would? NO ONE. We talk as if it there is a easy solution, a easy way out, but if there was no one would be stuck in it. We think we are superior because we "haven't made those mistakes". Shame on us, shame on us all for thinking that. People don't stay in horrific situations because they want to. They stay because others judge and assume instead of giving a helping had. They stay because they have a sick warped sense that this is normal and healthy due to it being all they have ever known, or what they have learned to be normal. They stay because the life has been sucked out  of them, the will to get out so far from their grasps. They stay because they don't know a way out. They stay because they have powerful addictions that consume them and their being.

No one would chose this. No one.

When I see these people my heart aches, I wish I could help them. I wish I could just wrap them in my arms and make them feel; loved, at peace, that things will be okay, that they can do this, that they deserve better. I wish I could give them the will to try, to plant a seed of hope. I wish I could save them from themselves and others. I wish they didn't have to feel the gut wrenching heartache of this life that we all feel one way or another. I wish I could save them all.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Something Magical Happened Today.

Happy memories of my mom just came back to me. For the longest time now I could only remember one which was of us eating plums while laying on the couch at the age of 3. I was laying on the couch just now resting and they started to come back out of the blue. 

                                                 Reminded me of Mom

Happy memories of Mom;

  • Her laugh, I could even hear it. 
  • Taking me and my friend Kyleen for a blizzard and chatting with us. 
  • Always after a performance she would take me and whoever else was with us to go get a blizzard or whatever treat we wanted.
  • Going shoe shopping for me and then eating pizza together.
  • Each day her sincerely asking me how my day was after school. 
  • Making it to every school event I was in. 
  • Her singing "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean" to Chaddy while we were in Kearns.
  • How she would get fiesty now and again.
  • The way she loved my dad and all of us kids.
  • How she was always doing something to help someone outside of the home.
  • Her unwaivering Faith and Testimony.
  • Her comforting and reassuring me.
  • How she loved chalupa's. 
  • The way she would laugh when she got together with her friends, she would laugh so hard.
  • How everyone loved and adored her.
  • Her ability to love unconditionally and so completely.
  • What an example she was to those around her and especially to us kids. I remember people always saying such great things about her, and how much she helped them in one way or another.
  • How often I would walk in on her praying, and that when she told me she would pray for me I knew that Heavenly Father would answer her prayers because of her Faith. 

I remember her, I haven't for so long. I honestly forgot her for a while, which I think was my brain's way protecting itself from so much heartache. I just don't think I could handle remembering all that has been lost until now. It is so bittersweet and I am so glad they are coming back. I really feel this is a great step in the healing process and am so thankful I have memories to hold onto now since my mother is now but a shell of who she was.  

I am so happy and gratful right now. The alzheimer's has taken my mother for now but she will live on through everyone she has touched especially us kids and dad, Alzheimer's can't take that away.  


Tuesday, April 23, 2013


I was just responding to a comment that someone made in a very old post and the reality of my mother's illness hit me, hard. I am overwhelmed with the feelings of loss and longing and worry. I long for the woman my mom once was. The illness has killed so many parts of her, that it is hard to believe she is the same person sometimes.

Remembering her is so bitter-sweet. I'm scared of what is to come, right now coping is doable. She is still very happy for the most part and upbeat. Her ability to use the bathroom is still there and to walk and get around. Her long term memory is there so she knows all of us kids and those who have been around for a while.

 Chances are very high it all will be gone someday, will I be able to recognize her at all? Will I be able to handle being around her? What will happen with my dad? How will he get through loosing the love of his life and best friend? I worry about all us kids especially Chad who is so tenderhearted. Will she be around to meet any of my children? Will she be around to meet Chad and Chris's wife? How much will she suffer? Will her mom outlive her, and if so will she be able to bear loosing another child? All her siblings, how will they handle it?

I'm tired of watching her slowly slip away. I'm tired of her being gone. She has been steady for about a year, but I'm worried about when she starts slipping away from us again. It will happen and there is nothing we can do. That is the worst feeling in the world.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Ah Life, You Sneaky Ninja You.

1.So remember that job I was working with the 5 kids and the stay at home/homeschooling mom? Yeah, it did not work out. Apparently the kids decided they did not like me no later than two weeks in because that is when one of them told their mom that "I don't think she likes us, and I don't really like her". Cool right? Fortunately we parted on good terms and the mom still wants to give me a good recommendation. So it wasn't that I was a crappy nanny, just not the right fit. Although "not the right fit" feels like "you failed". The previous nanny was there for 5 years and honestly I think they needed to go through a nanny to hate regardless of who it was while they worked through having the other one leave them. To top it all of that same morning I strained my back again, fortunately not as bad as last time but it was not a day I want to repeat. The strain was my body's way of saying "hey stop doing this job or else". So it was really good it ended. Due to the children not liking me they did not respect me. So work was very stressful and I seriously questioned on many occasions what on earth I was a nanny and if I was even good at it. Me questioning my abilities was a good sign that it was not working and a terrible fit. 

The job was perfect timing though, I will give it that. We really needed the money since Nate's loans had not come in yet and it was great pay. I will miss those beautiful, beautiful paychecks. I really wish it worked out and was a good fit because I really felt like I was heavily contributing to our finances. With my income and Nate's part time income we were set. So I am now on the hunt again and it is frustrating. I sent out 22 job applications on a nanny site I am on the 7th of this month and haven't heard back from any of them. I applied to some new ones yesterday so hopefully I will get something with this batch. 

2. As I mentioned before I strained my back again due to stress, fun stuff. I was on a pain killers and muscle relaxer for a week and could have stayed on for a couple of more days but decided against it. I figured I would see where I was at plus constantly being constipated BLOWS (or doesn't, get it?). I took it easy after I got off the pills and only walked on the treadmill. After about a week I started going stir crazy so I started running again. I got two massages in that time frame and they were awesome (thank you awesome deal I found for 20 bucks a massage). I am feeling it today but I think it is mainly just sore from doing full body strength training at the gym. Hope I am right and it does not get bad again!

3. So we did finally see a Psychiatrist to give us advice about if I will need to change my medications in order to have a healthy pregnancy. Basically I just need to find a doctor when I get pregnant who will let me stay on my medications. I could switch them before or while I am pregnant but honestly I feel good about staying on them and not messing around with trying another medication that very well might not work. Basically I have no interest in feeling like I am living in Hell again, so I am going to pass. I have put a lot of thought into it and feel good about keeping things as they are. So eventually we will start trying and I will stay on my current medications throughout the pregnancy.
So that is my update on life, pretty fascinating right!?  Your welcome!


Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Change Change Change (I am singing to you).

So I have not written in a very long time. Honestly I am not sure were I left off and I am too lazy to go back and look so I am just going to start somewhere and go with it:D

1. I started a job Nov. 1st. I was watching an almost 3 year old and a 3 month old baby. After only being with them for six weeks they decided after the Christmas break (the mom was a teacher so  long time off) they were going to hire a family friend instead of having me come back. They told me my last day before break what was going on and that they would decide and let me know. I told them I needed to know by Jan 1st so I could get to finding a job if they did not want me back. They went with the friend and I found my current job soon after. Which was a miracle in itself because it is hard to find good nanny jobs especially so quick. I miss those kids and was really devastated for a while but it as worked out for the best.

2. My new job is being a Nanny/Mother's Helper for a family of 5 children who are all home-schooled by mom. They live on a couple hundred acres and have chicken and bunnies. So quite the change from any previous job I have had. I really like it and the kids are great. They mom and dad are awesome also. I have had to get use to listening to a lot of Christian music since that and country is all they put on. Those who know me well know that I am not a huge fan of Christian music because a lot of it sounds the same and is poorly written. Although they have Switchfoot and a few others that I play when I am the one picking.

When I was first told that my previous job might not have me back I opened up all my online nanny accounts and kept my eyes open. I was strongly impressed to do that right away and am glad I did because soon after my current family messaged me. The mom and I had a couple phone conversations and I let her know about my situation. She told me to call her back when I found out if I was staying at my old job or not. I got the news they did not want me back, called her up, set and interview date for a couple days after I got back from vacation, interviewed at Barnes and Nobles, interviewed again at their home, was hired on my way out the door, and started the following Monday.

Funny story, I almost got completely stuck in a mud pit when I pulled over to call and ask how to get to their house since I got lost. I had to rev back and forth a good 20 or so times to get out, I was worried I would have to call and ask them to pull me out! My car was totally caked in mud by the end of it, and as I was driving for the next couple days chunks would fall out of the wheel well. Classy I know.

3. Nate and I went and talked with a Psychiatrist about medications and if I needed to change them if I got pregnant. Although I would change them before not during if needed since I don't want to mess with that while I am already hormonal and cray cray. He said that most OBGYN doctors would want me to switch to a drug the doctors feel are safer and higher up on the "safe scale", but that I would be able to find one that would let me stay on and not change (The scale is A,B,C,D,X, A being safe and X being a big NO NO.) Both my drugs are class C which says, "Animal reproduction studies have shown an adverse effect on the fetus and there are no adequate and well-controlled studies in humans, but potential benefits may warrant use of this drug in pregnant women despite potential risks". Which in my case where I am REALLY severe on all fronts (OCD, Depression, Anxiety) I am confident in my decision to not mess with my medications and get pregnant while on them. If I was not such a severe case I would be more than willing to dink around and TRY and find another one that works but I have already been to Hell and back twice now and I am not going to risk it willingly. Some may be appalled by this decision but they are not me and I would hope they would know me well enough to trust that I would make sure I am doing things the safest and best possible way for everyone involved. I wish I didn't have to be on medications, but the reality is I need them and after years of Hell as a kid (without meds), and sub par living since I got married (meds being off) I am not willing to risk losing the health and wellness I have right now. If it was for sure not safe then I would change medications or just adopt. But given the circumstances and the support of those around me including my counselor I am going to keep things as is and keep working to get ready to have kids in the near future.

4. So a year ago I strained my lower lumbar and I haven't been the same since. I deal with lower back pain daily. I have been going to the chiropractor once a week for a while now but that doesn't work out the muscles that are screwed up unfortunately, although it does help. Anyways for Christmas I ran across this deal that was 6 60 minute massages for 120 which is 20 bucks a pop. Massages usually run a dollar a min or more so this was a STEAL. I combined my cash presents from a couple people and bought it. I got my first massage last Saturday, it was painful but awesome. He really worked things out in my glutes and hip flexors and other places I do not know the names of and I have felt much better since. I can work out a lot easier and with a lot less discomfort, I am much more flexible. It is awesome and I am excited to go back in a week. I am super pumped because it is one massage a month so I have one a month until June BUT he told me that if I have any extra massages within that time span they are also 20 bucks for 60 min. I have been to a couple massage therapists before and they didn't actually massage for a full 60 min. They count the time you get ready, talk to them, and get dressed after so it ends up being only 45 min or so of massaging. This guys does a full 60 min which blew me away and is awesome customer service.

Anyways as you can tell I am super excited and am really happy with the results. I am trying to get into the best shape possible before I get pregnant and my lower back needs to be dealt with before we start trying.

5. Nate got back into school. YAY! Things are back on track for him and he is motivated and doing well. He is still working at Lazlo's but a lot less. Honestly my new job came at a perfect time because I make a third more than I was before which will help make up for what we are loosing with Nate working less.

Things are going well and coming together. We are still waiting on financial aid thanks to Southeast Community College never having their crap together. They have screwed up majorly at least twice now and Nate was only with them for two terms. Regardless life is good. Oh one of my friends who has been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half is now entering her second trimester! So exciting.

I had a breakthrough with my counselor regarding my mom the other day but I will save that for another post. I still need to process that one.

All is well.