Tonight I did a long run to try and help me feel better about this week. I have been getting over a cold, work has been rough, have had at least one thing every night I had to go to, plus trying to work out each day on top of all of that. Oh yeah and trying to spend time with Nate who works opposite hours than me and there are some days we don't see each other at all, which blows.
Anyways I was at the end of the movie Hope Springs and stretching (after workout stretch), and I collapsed and started balling uncontrollably (truth is I still am right now). At the end of the movie when they are renewing their vows he says "I promise to go and get that sleep study you have been asking me to do for years.", right then I fell apart. It reminded me of how if my mom was well she would be bugging my dad to do one of those sleep studies. I had forgotten about my mom and her illness. As in it may have crossed my mind but I had not really acknowledged it until right at that moment.
How could I forget? I know it is due to my new job and things being so busy but still, I forgot. How can one forget their mom is dying? That she only has so much longer to live, that she is a ticking time bomb with a very short timer.
I don't know whether to be grateful or mad at myself. It is times like these that I don't know what the Hell I am suppose to do. How do you process something like this? How do you cope? I just want to curl up in a fetal position and just forget. Forget she is sick. Forget she is lost, missing, broken, gone. Forget that she isn't going to get better, that she is only going to get worse. That eventually she won't know who I am. I wish this was some sad movie I could just turn off, or some bad dream I could wake up from. But it isn't, it's real and it's Hell.
I feel empty, heartbroken, abandoned, lost, alone, guilty, angry, unrelatable, devastated.