Thursday, November 29, 2012

I'm Scared To Get Pregnant.

(I thought this was pretty-Source)

I was at the doctor's earlier this week refilling my prescription and asked the dreaded question of whether I can be on my medications while pregnant. The Celexia I can but the Trazadone I cannot. This scares the crap out of me. It has taken me about a year to finally get the right concoction of the Trazadone. I recently upped it about a month ago and it was the final piece to the puzzle. Now when I get pregnant I have to switch to something else, which blows and it very frightening. What if I completely relapse and get really sick? What if I can't find a medication that will work instead?

It is just so frustrating after all the waiting and trying and finally getting it all figured out I get to mess with it again and possibly get super sick. THIS BLOWS. All I have to say is I will be super pissed if I get super sick when I get pregnant. I am expecting some problems because pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster by itself. I told Nate that I will be really angry with God if I get super sick. Why? Well getting mentally sick sucks and is enough to get annoyed from. But I have been working my tail off to; eat well, work out often, get enough sleep, go to counseling, take medications and the like. I have been doing all I can to be healthy and if getting pregnant/having a kid, something I have always wanted and know Heavenly Father wants for me, makes me very ill I will be furious and heartbroken.

I know the time is coming soon when it will be go time, and frankly I'm scared out of my mind. Although a part of me is calm as a cucumber and knows it will be okay. I just want to know it will all work out and really believe it. I want to be able to have children without any major setbacks. I want to be able to handle motherhood well despite my disorders. They are all good desires, I just hope they are fulfilled.

One reassurance is when I was talking to Nate about it all I asked him what we would do if I had a really bad pregnancy and couldn't have anymore kids. He said "well there is always other option like adoption". It was nice to know that although he would like to have our own children, he would be fine with other Adopting and the like.

I don't know what I would do without that boy. Fact.


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Angry 5/5/11

Originally written 5/5/11

My mom is slowly dying of Alzheimer's. It is a slow and painful killer. You can try and sugar coat it all you want but those are the facts. I recently ran into a article about a man who while participating in a ride to protest helmet laws crashed and died. Why are people making these choices that lead to their death? I just don't get it. Here my mom is dying. Millions are dying of hunger, disease, accidents, etc. and you decide to not wear your helmet for whatever reason and then die from it. Some articles say he would have lived if he had worn a helmet, while others say he probably would have. Did he once when not wearing his helmet think about those loved ones who would mourn for him if he died? Or once think about those who are dying from things that are out of their control? I guess sometimes I just get really bitter when I hear about people who choose to gamble with death through their choices when my mom is doomed to it because of a disease she has. It just really gets to me sometimes. Today is one of those times.

Continued 11/24/12

I found the above draft when I was looking through my old posts. It still rings true today. Although I am not filled with anger about it at this time even though it is still a frustrating topic. When people knowingly endanger their lives by not applying common sense. I'm not saying live in a cave and never come out for fear you might die of something. Just things like wearing a helmet when riding a motorcycle, wearing your seat belt, not driving while you are drunk etc. Those are things you can easily do to prevent potential death and injury. We seem to have this mind set that we are invisible and nothing can kill or harm us. Which could not be farther from the truth. Our bodies are our responsibility to protect and take care of.

 I've come to the point where I would compare not eating well (of course you need to treat yourself and have free days/meals) to not protecting your body. You may be annoyed with that comment but think of all the things people struggle with these days;weight, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, heart attack, stroke, knee problems, back problems, joint problems and the list goes on. Many of these things would be prevented, helped and even cured sometimes by eating well and only what you need which will lead to weight loss. For those who are already at a healthy weight it will do the same since it's not just about weight but what we put in our bodies. Another amazing prevention tool is exercise. It has so many benefits that sometimes it blows my mind that more people do not do it. For me it does wonders for my anxiety, depression, OCD, sleep, overall mood, self esteem, and my ability to focus and think clearly. I can notice a huge difference when I have not been working out, it is astounding. Same goes for eating well.

So basically what I am saying is there are so many issues you can prevent, help and even cure sometimes with a healthy diet and exercise. So this season remember to be thankful for your bodies and to show appreciation for them and all they do for you. Take care of them. If you have not been taking care of them at all start small, baby steps. Don't beat yourself up because that will get you no where, and is of no use. It will actually hamper your progress. Make some goals and stick to them. There are so many tools out there to help you no matter where you are health and fitness wise. I would be more than happy to help anyone with ideas and tools to use. I've been there, trust me it is worth it to start now and make a change.

Here is photo proof that you can do it. I went from eating whatever I wanted, and NEVER working out to eating well, watching my calorie intake, and exercising regularly. My weight has fluctuated over the years since my original "transformation" and that was due to not eating well and exercising. So I have proved to myself time and time again that is works. Also neat fact; weight loss is 80-90 percent what you eat and how much. People get so focused on the exercise which is an awesome aid to weight loss but will only do so much without a healthy diet ( good food and calorie intake control).

These two pictures are at my heaviest; at least 170 (possibly more) and I am 5.5 in 2005.

 I am the one in the pink striped shirt

This is my most recent picture taken August 2012. Weight is 136-140.

So take care of yourself, you deserve it. Your body needs you to do your part and treat it well so it can do it's job of preventing, helping, and sometimes curing.

Hope your Thanksgiving was great and you ate until you could not move (like I did). Now it's time to start anew until the next holiday!



Sunday, November 4, 2012


Note: I wrote this a few weeks ago but am just now posting it.

Today  when I was blogging at Nate's work I was trying to find something out of my purse and I grabbed the butterfly necklace (that I bought because it reminds me of you). I put it on the counter too hard and it broke into three pieces. I asked Nate if we could fix it by gluing it back together and he said yes. When he said that I wasn't so upset because now the butterfly necklace will be more true to you. Your body was once whole and now is currently broken. On the outside you look like your functioning pretty well but it deceiving as to what is going on the inside. It's like the butterfly, I will glue it back together and from the outside you probably will not be able to tell what happened. But that doesn't change the fact that it is broken and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't fix you anymore than I can make the necklace mold back together the way it was before.

It was sort of another "a ha" moment. I have been having these a lot lately. It was almost as if the necklace new it was representing you and made sure to do so fully. I know that sounds so silly but it is fitting to me.

Today I went to a friends house and they had a bouquet of flowers. Since Nate and I got married I haven't been really into planting flowers in the yard and I have never wanted them. I think they subconsciously reminded me of you. I'm starting to realize the things that I have been avoiding because they remind me of you. I'm working through it and starting to see them as sweet reminders instead of a reminder of what I have lost/what is going on. When I was looking at that bouquet I asked out loud "What kind of flower is it?". Nobody knew, but you would have known. You loved flowers so much and would always be working in the yard planting and weeding.

The other day my friends where talking about how it is kind of annoying when their parents text them while they are working over and over asking the same thing until they respond. I will never get another text or phone call from you. They don't know how lucky they are.

I remember you would call often and check on me and make sure I had enough food to eat and money to buy the things I needed. I also remember you would always send care packages to Jenni and Chris when they were in college and I was still at home. I looked forward to that college and was disappointed when you did not do the same for me. I now know why; Alzheimer's.

I love you mom, even though your broken. I know your in there, this illness can't affect your sweet Spirit which made this body what it was before. You are in a broken vessel and I know I will have you again someday. Some people may thinking I am crazy for thinking that, or wonder why I know. I just do, I have no doubt that I will have you again. Your my mommy and always will be no matter what.