Thursday, April 19, 2012

Stuff stuff stuff...

Video 1. A recent friendship.
Video 2.When I am depressed.
Video 3. Song I wish Nate would sing to me. My inner 12 year old coming out.

That is all.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Unknown

I am coming to realize that I will never get over what is happening to my mom. Yes I know in time I will be more at peace with it and accept it but it will always be there waiting for me. The inescapable truth that no matter how great of a perspective I get on it all and how much I self talk it is always there lingering. Taunting me sometimes, because lets face it it is something I wish I could change/control but I have zero control over. Unfortunately I have grown accustomed to that feeling. I have been plagued with mental illnesses the majority of my life and know what it is like to not be in control. It can make you want to seek control in other areas, or at least go on a hunt for "things wrong in your life that need to be fixed". Which when I am off medications just feeds the illnesses more. It's a vicious cycle.

Lately I have been feeling like I am wasting away. Waiting for me to be "fully recovered and healthy" before I go back to work or go back to school. Because there is always the "what if" whatever I am thinking of doing will cause my illnesses to flair. I know it is a jaded view because when jobs were not working out  before my medication was off and I didn't know it. It just scares me. Everything does. Having kids, working, going back to school. All the things that I have desired to do I am afraid of because of how sick I have been in the past.

I have been thinking about what to do next and I don't know what to do. I will get a job soon but I am thinking about going back to school. I just do not know what to do and what job would be the best for me/most fulfilling. What would I be good at? What would be a great job that I could easily maintain my heath during? Do I really want to postpone kids for a couple more years to go back to school? What do I really want? I am trying to rediscover myself but am not coming up with much.