Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Angry

So I am currently in the Anger phase of the grieving process. Quite frankly I am pissed off at the world. It isn't fair. Why is this happening to my mom? To my dad? They are some of the best people I have ever met. They have dedicated themselves to other people all their life. Always done their best and did "everything right". Yet my mom is still dying of Younger Onset Alzheimer's and my dad like a husband who truly loves his wife is standing by her side. He will most likely be retiring early for her this summer. Which means he will not get even close to the amount he would if he were to stay on for another two years (which is only a worry because he will not be able to work and will be a full-time care taker for my mom).

I see people around me doing things they know and have even admitted that they shouldn't and yet they keep on doing it. It frustrates me.

My mom is a saint. She tried to help everyone that she came in contact with any way she could. She sacrificed her teaching career to raise us children and devoted her life to us. She raised five children and gave her whole heart and soul to our family. Even today despite her not being able to remember much she will still show a genuine interest in what is going in the lives of everyone she comes in contact with. She isn't bitter. She is really happy most of the time. She doesn't hate God for allowing this to happen to her. She is slowly loosing ever aspect of herself yet she is still so happy and positive. I'm sure the medicine is playing a factor in her positive attitude and outlook on life but honestly a lot of that is just my mom being herself.

So where I am getting at is why do people keep doing things that they know they should not be doing and that will only hurt them in the end? WHY? Why do people go around complaining about "oh this is happening to me, woe is me" when really it is their own doing? Then you have my mom who did absolutely nothing to cause this illness and is the one smiling, and laughing. She isn't bitter. She has every right to be, yet she is not. As the disease progresses the ability to be positive and happy will go away. Even that will be taken away from her. I see people walking around me focusing on everything bad in their life instead of all the good. Pointing out the faults of everyone around them and justifying their feelings and actions instead of finding what they can do themselves to help the situation that they and others are in together. I'm angry. I know it is a phase and I will work through it, I just have so many unanswered questions and a broken heart.

Maquel

It isn't fair.