Saturday, January 28, 2012

Me getting off medication? That's funny.

I am going to do a quick run down of what has happened since I last wrote. I weaned myself off of my medication and guess what happened? I went crazy. Quite literally. Word to the wise do not wean yourself off your medication without the consent of a doctor and without having talked to a counselor or psychologist in many years. BAD IDEA. Although it was perfect timing (as in very low stress and obligations) for me to do this silly thing and to be honest I am glad I did. I realized that I cannot function without medication and that I will always need to see a doctor regularly and be in counseling regularly. Turn out my medication wasn't working fully since I got married as in YEARS. Yeah that happened. I always wondered why I couldn't keep a job and I never really made good friends (as in hanging out lots and really getting to know each other)  since getting married. There you go. My brain was functioning at 50% or so. I could only handle day to day tasks and sometimes not even that.

I am now currently on 40mg Citlopram which is generic for Celexia and 50mg Trazadone. I have been on the Celexia 40mg for years now and it worked really well before (as in before marriage). I am guessing with all the change that happened when I first got married (new state, no family, no friends, newly married, working instead of school, husband who worked all day and we never saw each other, very stressful job) it threw off my chemical balance and created an imbalance. Which I was not aware of until I weaned myself ( I thought I was fine and could go off the medication completely and no longer needed it) and it backfired majorly. Life is good now. I went through months of Hell (literally) but I am well and functioning and happy. Yes you heard me. Happy. Truly happy. I feel emotion now and I am not numb all the time due to my medication being off. I have heard of people saying that medication makes them feel numb. I have found that when I feel emotionally numb it is because my medication is not working well anymore and there needs to be changes to it.

I just really wanted to give an update and let everyone know that I am alive and well and better than ever. Seriously. It is amazing how mental health affect every aspect of your life. If you are well then it affects it positively if you are ill then negatively (Totally just googled the definition of affect and effect. Still unsure which one to use. Oh well!).

So there you go. I am happy now. Really truly happy and I have found myself again. I asked Nate how long I have been "gone". He said it was hard to tell but for sure I was very noticeably not myself for a year.

I am thankful for a loving husband who stood by me and took care of me even when he had no idea what really was going on or what to do. Also a loving Father in Heaven who blessed me with this trial. Yes I did just say bless. Through it I figured out what I need to do to stay well. So that I don't ever get that bad again. That is a miracle in itself. People pray to find a cure or a fix to make there problem go away completely sometimes when really that is not the answer. I have found healing through modern medicine. I still deal with my mental illnesses on a daily if not hourly basis but medicine and counseling has given me the tools to be happy despite them and take care of myself and those around me. Nothing is every easy in this life but so worth it.

There is always room for things to get and be better. Sometimes we have to go through Hell and back to get there but it is always worth it. I promise. This life truly is a time of trial and testing but it can be so good if we pray for help, seek it ourselves (including reaching out to others) and then do what we need to do to make things well again.