Friday, December 7, 2012

I Forgot For Almost A Month.

Tonight I did a long run to try and help me feel better about this week. I have been getting over a cold, work has been rough, have had at least one thing every night I had to go to, plus trying to work out each day on top of all of that. Oh yeah and trying to spend time with Nate who works opposite hours than me and there are some days we don't see each other at all, which blows.

Anyways I was at the end of the movie Hope Springs and stretching (after workout stretch), and I collapsed and started balling uncontrollably (truth is I still am right now). At the end of the movie when they are renewing their vows he says "I promise to go and get that sleep study you have been asking me to do for years.", right then I fell apart. It reminded me of how if my mom was well she would be bugging my dad to do one of those sleep studies. I had forgotten about my mom and her illness. As in it may have crossed my mind but I had not really acknowledged it until right at that moment.

How could I forget? I know it is due to my new job and things being so busy but still, I forgot. How can one forget their mom is dying? That she only has so much longer to live, that she is a ticking time bomb with a very short timer.

I don't know whether to be grateful or mad at myself. It is times like these that I don't know what the Hell I am suppose to do. How do you process something like this? How do you cope? I just want to curl up in a fetal position and just forget. Forget she is sick. Forget she is lost, missing, broken, gone. Forget that she isn't going to get better, that she is only going to get worse. That eventually she won't know who I am. I wish this was some sad movie I could just turn off, or some bad dream I could wake up from. But it isn't, it's real and it's Hell.

I feel empty, heartbroken, abandoned, lost, alone, guilty, angry, unrelatable, devastated.


Thursday, November 29, 2012

I'm Scared To Get Pregnant.

(I thought this was pretty-Source)

I was at the doctor's earlier this week refilling my prescription and asked the dreaded question of whether I can be on my medications while pregnant. The Celexia I can but the Trazadone I cannot. This scares the crap out of me. It has taken me about a year to finally get the right concoction of the Trazadone. I recently upped it about a month ago and it was the final piece to the puzzle. Now when I get pregnant I have to switch to something else, which blows and it very frightening. What if I completely relapse and get really sick? What if I can't find a medication that will work instead?

It is just so frustrating after all the waiting and trying and finally getting it all figured out I get to mess with it again and possibly get super sick. THIS BLOWS. All I have to say is I will be super pissed if I get super sick when I get pregnant. I am expecting some problems because pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster by itself. I told Nate that I will be really angry with God if I get super sick. Why? Well getting mentally sick sucks and is enough to get annoyed from. But I have been working my tail off to; eat well, work out often, get enough sleep, go to counseling, take medications and the like. I have been doing all I can to be healthy and if getting pregnant/having a kid, something I have always wanted and know Heavenly Father wants for me, makes me very ill I will be furious and heartbroken.

I know the time is coming soon when it will be go time, and frankly I'm scared out of my mind. Although a part of me is calm as a cucumber and knows it will be okay. I just want to know it will all work out and really believe it. I want to be able to have children without any major setbacks. I want to be able to handle motherhood well despite my disorders. They are all good desires, I just hope they are fulfilled.

One reassurance is when I was talking to Nate about it all I asked him what we would do if I had a really bad pregnancy and couldn't have anymore kids. He said "well there is always other option like adoption". It was nice to know that although he would like to have our own children, he would be fine with other Adopting and the like.

I don't know what I would do without that boy. Fact.


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Angry 5/5/11

Originally written 5/5/11

My mom is slowly dying of Alzheimer's. It is a slow and painful killer. You can try and sugar coat it all you want but those are the facts. I recently ran into a article about a man who while participating in a ride to protest helmet laws crashed and died. Why are people making these choices that lead to their death? I just don't get it. Here my mom is dying. Millions are dying of hunger, disease, accidents, etc. and you decide to not wear your helmet for whatever reason and then die from it. Some articles say he would have lived if he had worn a helmet, while others say he probably would have. Did he once when not wearing his helmet think about those loved ones who would mourn for him if he died? Or once think about those who are dying from things that are out of their control? I guess sometimes I just get really bitter when I hear about people who choose to gamble with death through their choices when my mom is doomed to it because of a disease she has. It just really gets to me sometimes. Today is one of those times.

Continued 11/24/12

I found the above draft when I was looking through my old posts. It still rings true today. Although I am not filled with anger about it at this time even though it is still a frustrating topic. When people knowingly endanger their lives by not applying common sense. I'm not saying live in a cave and never come out for fear you might die of something. Just things like wearing a helmet when riding a motorcycle, wearing your seat belt, not driving while you are drunk etc. Those are things you can easily do to prevent potential death and injury. We seem to have this mind set that we are invisible and nothing can kill or harm us. Which could not be farther from the truth. Our bodies are our responsibility to protect and take care of.

 I've come to the point where I would compare not eating well (of course you need to treat yourself and have free days/meals) to not protecting your body. You may be annoyed with that comment but think of all the things people struggle with these days;weight, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, heart attack, stroke, knee problems, back problems, joint problems and the list goes on. Many of these things would be prevented, helped and even cured sometimes by eating well and only what you need which will lead to weight loss. For those who are already at a healthy weight it will do the same since it's not just about weight but what we put in our bodies. Another amazing prevention tool is exercise. It has so many benefits that sometimes it blows my mind that more people do not do it. For me it does wonders for my anxiety, depression, OCD, sleep, overall mood, self esteem, and my ability to focus and think clearly. I can notice a huge difference when I have not been working out, it is astounding. Same goes for eating well.

So basically what I am saying is there are so many issues you can prevent, help and even cure sometimes with a healthy diet and exercise. So this season remember to be thankful for your bodies and to show appreciation for them and all they do for you. Take care of them. If you have not been taking care of them at all start small, baby steps. Don't beat yourself up because that will get you no where, and is of no use. It will actually hamper your progress. Make some goals and stick to them. There are so many tools out there to help you no matter where you are health and fitness wise. I would be more than happy to help anyone with ideas and tools to use. I've been there, trust me it is worth it to start now and make a change.

Here is photo proof that you can do it. I went from eating whatever I wanted, and NEVER working out to eating well, watching my calorie intake, and exercising regularly. My weight has fluctuated over the years since my original "transformation" and that was due to not eating well and exercising. So I have proved to myself time and time again that is works. Also neat fact; weight loss is 80-90 percent what you eat and how much. People get so focused on the exercise which is an awesome aid to weight loss but will only do so much without a healthy diet ( good food and calorie intake control).

These two pictures are at my heaviest; at least 170 (possibly more) and I am 5.5 in 2005.

 I am the one in the pink striped shirt

This is my most recent picture taken August 2012. Weight is 136-140.

So take care of yourself, you deserve it. Your body needs you to do your part and treat it well so it can do it's job of preventing, helping, and sometimes curing.

Hope your Thanksgiving was great and you ate until you could not move (like I did). Now it's time to start anew until the next holiday!



Sunday, November 4, 2012


Note: I wrote this a few weeks ago but am just now posting it.

Today  when I was blogging at Nate's work I was trying to find something out of my purse and I grabbed the butterfly necklace (that I bought because it reminds me of you). I put it on the counter too hard and it broke into three pieces. I asked Nate if we could fix it by gluing it back together and he said yes. When he said that I wasn't so upset because now the butterfly necklace will be more true to you. Your body was once whole and now is currently broken. On the outside you look like your functioning pretty well but it deceiving as to what is going on the inside. It's like the butterfly, I will glue it back together and from the outside you probably will not be able to tell what happened. But that doesn't change the fact that it is broken and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't fix you anymore than I can make the necklace mold back together the way it was before.

It was sort of another "a ha" moment. I have been having these a lot lately. It was almost as if the necklace new it was representing you and made sure to do so fully. I know that sounds so silly but it is fitting to me.

Today I went to a friends house and they had a bouquet of flowers. Since Nate and I got married I haven't been really into planting flowers in the yard and I have never wanted them. I think they subconsciously reminded me of you. I'm starting to realize the things that I have been avoiding because they remind me of you. I'm working through it and starting to see them as sweet reminders instead of a reminder of what I have lost/what is going on. When I was looking at that bouquet I asked out loud "What kind of flower is it?". Nobody knew, but you would have known. You loved flowers so much and would always be working in the yard planting and weeding.

The other day my friends where talking about how it is kind of annoying when their parents text them while they are working over and over asking the same thing until they respond. I will never get another text or phone call from you. They don't know how lucky they are.

I remember you would call often and check on me and make sure I had enough food to eat and money to buy the things I needed. I also remember you would always send care packages to Jenni and Chris when they were in college and I was still at home. I looked forward to that college and was disappointed when you did not do the same for me. I now know why; Alzheimer's.

I love you mom, even though your broken. I know your in there, this illness can't affect your sweet Spirit which made this body what it was before. You are in a broken vessel and I know I will have you again someday. Some people may thinking I am crazy for thinking that, or wonder why I know. I just do, I have no doubt that I will have you again. Your my mommy and always will be no matter what.



Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Grandpa Woody 10/14/1918-8/14/2002

Here is a link to his obituary;Woodrow Vernon Mousley


  • Whenever I would go to your house in Coos Bay you were always working on a violin. I loved having you tell me the process of making a violin and letting me help you. I even wanted to learn how to make them myself at one point and thought about how cool it would to be like you in that way. 
Grandpa in his workshop.

  • You always ate an orange when we came to visit. You told me how you eat an orange a day to stay healthy.

  • There was a container of change that you would keep your coins in and every time we came to visit you would let me or one of the other siblings count it out and divide it up among the grandchildren that were there at the time. It was one of the many things I looked forward to when I saw you. 

  • I loved it when you would call me MikeyFinley. I always felt loved and adored by you and that was one of the ways you showed it. 

  • I thought it was funny how you would call peeing "Micturate", it showed your goofy/funny side and I loved it.

  • You liked to tell stories and they were always very entertaining and engrossing. 

  • Saving spiders was something you always did and you would tell us about it later on when we saw you. 

  • Hearing you play the violin was a special treat and I look back on those times with fondness.
Looking sharp.
  • I remember thinking how weird it was that you and Grandy did not slept in the same bed, but I still knew that you loved each other very much.

Journal entry from November 3, 2002 (I wrote this when 15 so ignore the poor grammar :D)

I've decided to write in my Journal regularly (every Sunday). Because I'll want to look back when I'm older and remember what I  thought and felt when things have happened. Also I just know it's the right thing to do. I want to write about my Grandpa and how I felt before he died and after and just how I felt about him overall and how much he meant to me. I loved him so much, just thinking about him right now is making me cry. He was the best storyteller and was funny. I remember one time me and Jenni were in his room with him and he was telling us about when he went to war in WWII. I'm not sure if this is right but Chad told me this and I think my Grandpa went to the European seas or something like that but what I do remember is him telling us about how blue and clear the sea was and how there was so many different creatures in it. Also that he got to do the communication thing where you press a button a certain amount of times or something like that but you could send messages through it with some sort of code. And that only certain people could do it I think, and he could do it so easily because he played the violin and could use rhythm and that helped him to be able to do it so easily. And that he kind of rose in the ranks or something like that, like he was something before and then he got to do the code thing. I remember that he worked on a ship and I think it was a mine ship where they go across the water and the mines set off on them but that's what the ship is meant for so it doesn't damage them. And they do that so that bigger ships can sail across without being destroyed by mines. And that they kind of set a trail for the bigger ships to go on. So that was a really cool experience. Usually he doesn't talk to you about past things like that. 

Also while he was in the hospital I was staying with the Tersigni's to help watch Danny, Paige and Hannah because Lori couldn't do it by herself with everything that was going on (Grandpa). And Paige and Hannah were visiting. So one of those days I stayed at the hospital with Grandpa while Grandma went and ran some errands. I visited him a couple of times in the hospital. I remember he told me about how he sold newspapers with Buddy when he was little. And how they were 5 cents each. And how he had a paper route I think. He also told me how great buddy was, and that he wouldn't even hurt a fly. And how much Bud meant to him and how he looked up to him. He also told me how he and Buddy were going on a trip to California (I think) and how it was dark outside. And that a horse stepped into the middle of the road and how buddy swerved the motorcycle and they drove into a ditch and how they were both flung form the motorcycle (I think). And he said that Buddy died that night. He was crying pretty hard and I went up to him and gave him a long hug. It was really sad to see him cry. I knew that Bud was a great person. I'm going to write about when Bud came back and what he said made Grandpa think that you could be resurrected before the Second Coming and that Bud was but I'll write about that later and also the dream about Bud leaving that his Mom had. But I want to go on for now. When I visited Grandpa in the hospital he wasn't all there like one time he said that the hospital had given everyone a pill that morning and that it made you sick. So from when he was in the hospital on he wasn't all there. I'm glad I got to have a few more experiences when he was there before he died (the ones I told you about). And that was a huge thing that he said some stuff to me about Bud dying and what happened because for a long time he wouldn't say anything about it or anything about Bud. I'm lucky to have the experience I did. 

When I saw my Grandpa in the casket I started to ball. It made me so sad. I remember after the funeral I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father that I would be able to let my Grandpa go and to not mourn over his death for a long time, but that I would be happy and remember I would see him again. I feel like I got an answer to my prayer. Without the gospel his death would of been so much harder. I can't wait to see him in the next life. 

I know this church is true, I'm trying to gain a better testimony about Joseph Smith and the Book Of Mormon. I know Joesph Smith restored the true gospel to the earth and that the Book Of Mormon is true. I'm thankful for two brothers that have willingly served the Lord, and for all my other blessings; the friends I have right now (Shannon and Kyleen), for being able to get help with my problems, for loving parents who want to help me be happier and who are helping me through my problems (I don't know what I would do without them), a loving brother Chad, a great sister who knows how to make me feel better, and who listens to me when I need to talk to someone, a sister-in-law who knows what I am going through and tries to help me, and brother-Josh who wants to know how I am and cares about me, Chris who is so wonderful and who cares and wants to know how I am and stuff. I truly do have a wonderful family, I couldn't ask for a better one. I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who wants me to be happy and has blessed me so much and is; helping me through my problem, knows what I need and listens, who died for my sins so I could return to Heavenly Father, knows what I am going through and wants to help me. I'm thankful for all my many blessings.

Also before I stop writing, when my Grandpa was in the hospital he wasn't eating as much as he should have and he wouldn't listen to Irene if she told him to take a bite of something he would only listen to me. He would be like "no, no Irene I don't need to no, no". But when I told him to he would be like "oh, yes, your right". I would always say you need to eat to get out of this place and to get better, and Grandma would say something similar but he would only listen to me. I thought that was pretty funny but it frustrated Grandma. I remember he would always say "oh it's my best friend" or something like that to me. He would always say we were best friends or imply it. I really liked that. And it felt good that he thought of me as a best friend, he was a best friend to me too. He was so full of love, and joy and I will never forget him. I love him and will always love him forever. He was a great man and always cared about others. He had the greatest faith  I remember he would pray for something and he has such pure faith. And he believed that if he prayed enough and had enough faith it would come to pass if it was Heavenly Father's will. Like in circumstances when someone was really ill and most people thought "oh, they can't get better or they won't" he believed that if it was Heaven'y Father's will no matter what the odds were it would come to pass. And that if it was Heavenly Father's will then they would be healed. His great faith and my great Grandmother Ermina's faith makes me want to be more faithful and better. It makes me want to have that great of faith. They are great great examples of faith. I learned about Ermina's great faith by reading some of the book Ermina and through my mother telling me stories about her. 

I have many other great examples of faith; my Grandma Irene, my mother especially, my dad and many more. I've learned a lot through my mother's faith. And I hope to have faith like hers when I'm older and raising children. She is a great woman of faith and I want to be like her. I'm so very thankful for all my great examples of faith especially my mother who I see everyday striving to be better which helps me to strive to be better. I'm thankful for all my many many blessings. I'm very thankful that I have a dad who knows a lot about everything and that I can ask all my millions of questions to, and that he is willing to answer them and willing to take the time to explain things and that he does. I'm again thankful for a great and wonderful man that I was able to meet- my Grandpa and for all my many blessings. I need to go get ready for church now :D
Grandpa eating honey with his pants all wet from peeing in them. One of my favorites.

It was great typing that entry up and remembering everything in it including my feelings. My uncle is writing a Personal History book on my Grandpa Woody so that is why I wrote all of this and dug up that entry. It was nice to compile all of this and I figured it was a good idea to put it on my blog too.

He was a great man and will always be remembered. I look forward to seeing him again. I miss him dearly.


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Change Is A Comin.

1. I start my job in a week and a half on Nov. 1st. I am going to their house tomorrow to spend most of the day learning the routines and getting the hang of it. It was my idea to do that, I feel it will make the transition much smoother for everyone. Plus I learn by being shown and doing so much more than just reading directions.

2. Nate is going to apply to UNL in the next week or two. So he hopefully will be going to school full-time Winter Semester. A lot is riding on him getting back in.......

 One being babies. We are getting close to trying to start a family. Which excites and completely terrifies me. I am thinking about trying in the Spring/Summer, but I have set dates that I would like to start trying before and obviously they didn't happy. Although this time Nate is on board so that helps :D. Although I am very glad it hasn't happened yet, I was not mentally ready for it. Anyways, if he doesn't get into school I think those plans will be pushed back until he figures school out.

Two, Nate will not die. Someone asked me a few weeks ago " What will do you if he doesn't get back in?". My response "I will kill him". You think I am kidding but I will seriously be so upset that it might happen (okay not really but I will be very frustrated and upset).

Picture of what it might look like if he doesn't get into school and I try and strangle him, minus the box he is holding. (This picture was taken Fall 07 or Winter 08 when we were dating).

So I guess there isn't a ton of things change just a couple major ones.

Update on medications:I am doing better and better. My anxiety is lowering and becoming much more manageable. I still got a month or two to go in the adjustment period but so far so good, yay!

Memory of mom: I have decided to put a memory of my mom at the end of each entry so I have somewhere to look back to and remember.

I remember Easter baskets, those were the best things ever. She made sure that the candy you wanted was in there, and was so diligent in making sure there was an equal amount in each basket. We would also each get one or two little individual presents; like a stuffed bunny or socks etc. One of the eggs would have some money in it, which was a fun surprise. I will most certainly be doing Easter baskets with my family. I need to start making it a tradition with Nate. He did them one year and it was the greatest. I love traditions! Anybody else have some Easter traditions to share with me? I would love to add more.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I Need To Stop Toughing It Out.

When I am having a hard time I am pretty good at letting my husband Nate know but besides this blog I tend to not bring it up. I will sometimes talk about things if people are genuinely wanting to know how I am doing. I am really good about talking about things I have figured out or that have happened in my past but not so much what I am currently really struggling with. If sharing my experience helps someone else I am much more inclined to do so. To share what is going on solely so that whoever is listening can help me and be there for me; not so much. People will even ask; what can I do to help? Honestly? Make it very well known that you are interested in what I have to say, and genuinely want to know and help.

I have found I am a professional at redirecting the conversation back onto them. I think I have a hard time opening up my soul to people because so many times have I been burned. Three best friends have left me in the dust one way or another. I'm afraid to get hurt again, I have a hard time trusting that people really want to know, help, and will be there. I have a hard time being vulnerable which is different to me than sharing details of my life. I am a pretty open person, so that isn't the problem. Just trusting people; giving them a chance to be there for me in my times of need, asking them to hang out with me despite my fear of rejection.

In high school I had a best friend. This was at a time when I was pretty sick and we didn't know it so I was not on any medication. I became very attached to her and we had the greatest time. We would spend hours laughing and joking and were always together. Come senior year she found another friend and I gradually watch her leave me in the dust. We went from hanging out all the time to nothing. It was the straw that broke the camel's back and I got really sick to the point of not functioning. I was out of school for 2 straight months while I was getting on medication. It was Hell. Anyways, I don't think I have ever really recovered from that. I think I fear that if I open up fully to a friend again about my mental health and how it is currently affecting me they will not like what they see and leave. I felt she left because I wasn't fun enough or adventurous enough, and because I was sick. Not once did she visit me while I was home for 2 months. NOT ONCE. I only remember one person visiting me. After being best friends since our Junior Year I expected at least one visit, or phone call, or anything

So I think I fear that if I fully open up that some, one, or all of the following will happen; it will be too much and they will leave, they won't care, I will come to depend on them and then they will abandon me one way or another, they won't understand. That is where I am at right now. Although this blog may seem to prove otherwise, person to person that is the situation.

This post is kind of an eye opener to me. I'm scared of letting people get to close and I need to figure out a way to get past that. I am still hurt from my last relationship where I had to leave. It left with me feelings of; betrayal, and abandonment. I lost her before I left, by the end I didn't even recognize her. Also I just came to the realization that I feel abandoned by my mother. My mom is gone and has left me. I hate saying things like that but it is the truth. I'm never going to heal if I can't be upfront and honest about the situation. Growing up I really depended on her, a lot. She was my soundboard of reason when my brain was telling me untrue things. She is now gone and I am still here and struggling. I miss her, I want my mother back.  


Sunday, October 14, 2012

Why I Left.

I am not one to quit, especially when it comes to other people. I pride myself in being a great friend for the most part (I try my best). I know what it takes to have a great friendship and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen if the other party in wanting the same. Only one time so far in my life have I left a friendship. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, ever. It took a month or two of knowing I should leave it and everyone around me telling me it was affecting me negatively and making me not well. I struggled with feelings of guilt, and that I had not tried hard enough or long enough. It came down to one thing; the person I was friends with did not see that she was doing things in her life that were making her miserable and negatively affecting every other aspect of her life including our friendship. I waited over a year watching her life slowly deteriorate and our friendship along with it. She was so involved and consumed by what was going on in her life that our friendship fell by the wayside. Before, we were always encouraging each other to "keep truckin" and to persevere and to not give up. Well she had given up, she had settled, and it was very bad.

I won't go into the details of her situation because it is not my business to divulge that to the world. I love her still. I will mainly just go into my side of the story and how it affected me. If you know who I am talking about don't mention her name. You can ask me on Facebook in a message or some other discrete way if you really want to, but otherwise leave it.

The song Scars by Papa Roach really describes how I felt during the last part of our relationship before I left.

First you need to read the lyric


I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand


I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

I remember when I found this song I was like "Yes! That is exactly how I feel regarding this situation!". I love it when you find a song that describes how you feel.
Now you need to watch the video;

Near the end of our relationship I felt exactly how the video depicts. Every time I would talk to her I would tear my heart open and be there for her and then she would emotionally and mentally suck the life out of me. She would dump it all on me and I was helpless, she wouldn't even listen to my advice. There are some things she told me that were going on that I wish I could erase from my memory. I tried cutting her off once but let her back in when I got weak and answered a text. She then sucked me right back into her Hell and soon after I went cold turkey and completely cut her out of my life. Like I said before it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I felt like I was giving up on her, that I was betraying her, but I stayed as long as I could and it was making me very ill. It became a very toxic relationship and I was being manipulated. My counselor, husband and friends around me all backed me up and kept me strong when I wanted so badly to just call her up and give her my all, to once again "tear my heart open, and bleed myself dry" as the song says. I now know what it feels like to be in a manipulative and controlling relationship now. I don't by any means think she was intentionally doing it, her heart is good and that was not the case.

Once I cut her off I would get mixed phone calls and text. They were either; super angry telling me how bad of a friend I was for leaving her, or very apologetic and telling me how much she needed me. They killed me, they really did. The kicker was when she blamed me for her trying to commit suicide. She said "If you had just picked up the phone I would not have done it." Very manipulative. Her eyes could not see that I left because she let herself fall into a giant pit and then wouldn't climb out even with my help. When it got to the point where she was dragging me into the pit with her I had to leave. It taught me that no matter how hard you try, if someone does not want help there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot will them to want to change and help themselves. When this happens you need to cut them out, it's ugly and not fun for everyone. They will most likely hate you and not understand, but it gets to the point where they leave you with no choice. They will not see that at the time, but hopefully they will someday.

That is what I am hoping will happen, that one day she will wake up and realize what really happened and not some warped version where she is was the victim of the whole situation. I lost my best friend long before it ended and I stayed to try and help until it became toxic. I gave her my all until I have nothing left to give, sucked dry and miserable.

It took me months to really see what was going on. It took a lot of trust from those around me that they knew what was best despite my strong desire to run back to her and give her my all again. I wish it had never happened. That it never got to that point, and she had come around before it got bad.

Will we ever be friends again? I really don't know. It will take her truly understanding why I did what I did. For her to to take back blaming me for her trying to kill herself. For her to get well and happy again. Also time, not sure how much but I need time to heal. Currently; I am afraid of being manipulated again and do not trust her. The thought of talking to her gives me anxiety. I feel; betrayed, hurt, angry, resentful, baffled, frustrated and so on.

I miss her I really do. Only time will tell what happens if we are able to be friends again. As of right now I cannot comprehend opening myself up again to her like I did before. I don't know if our friendship can ever be fully repaired.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Party Rockin

While I was in the car today I heard Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO. First of all this song is awesome, and it is a really fun video besides the random chick with a heart painted on her chest. I still don't get why she is in the video, dumb. Anyways, I love it. When I was coming out of my funk last Fall/Winter I remember Nate playing this video on our TV and I was captivated by it. It distracted me from my brain and it was the start of me being able to enjoy music again. I love music, but when I am not well I can't enjoy it worth beans. I watched that video over and over and it made me smile and feel happy. Which was hard to come by at that time. It was a great moment and I hope I never forget it. Later when I saw my brother Chad I told him about the video and was so excited to show it to him. He said something like "That video is 4 months old, that is old news." He was just being a punk and I didn't let it bug me too much. It just went to show me how much I had missed while I was sick. This would not have passed my radar if I had been well when it came out. No way. Anyways I just wanted to write about it and share the video below. It is a great pick me up song and I love it.

Before I post the video I wanted to write about Nate and I's date last night. Since the last couple days have been so rough I decided I wanted to treat myself. So we went to Lazlo's (where Nate works, LIKE A BOSS) and got their delicious fries and creamy garlic dipping sauce. So Good. Then we went to a local ice cream shop called Ivana Cone. They make their ice cream there and it is delicious. The flavors are always changing which can be a bummer, but is fun at the same time. After that we came home and chilled. It was really fun. I felt like Nate and I were dating again and I haven't felt like that in a long time. It was nice to have a nice date and just hang out. Thank you working medications!

Anyways I figured it was about time for a happy post. So go (something my mom would always say with a certain tone). Hope all is well with everyone and make sure you watch the video. Or re-watch it, it will cheer you right up! It is pretty funny, and just all around fun.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012


So yesterday I had a full on breakdown, this was after I wrote and posted yesterday's blog post.

(Remember remember how I got my medication upped (Trazadone) to 150mg? Well I started taking 150mg dosage Monday night. I can really feel a difference today, it is way nice. I am more relaxed and calm and at peace. I feel more in control of my brain instead of it in control of what I am thinking.)

Anyways, I had a Chiropractic appointment last night at four. Nate took me since my contacts were trippin and I wasn't comfortable driving with my super old glasses while whacked out due to my brain. Afterwards we went shopping and while we were there we had a tiff. Nate and I never fight and it was over something really dumb so I knew my brain was making me crazy (I will tell Nate sometimes "my brain is being crazy"). So in the fight Nate said something that really bugged me and while in the car he asked me to explain why I was upset. I did but it just wasn't cutting it, I could feel something else bugging me and that what happened between us wasn't it. Also that we fought because I was "off" and something deep down was eating at me. Then I started to cry and tell him how I felt. The thought "I'm broken" kept running through my mind and all the things that are wrong with me, and that I struggle with. I really felt broken, Nate didn't like me saying that and told me not too. Then I got mad because that is how I felt and those feelings needed to be acknowledged at that time no matter if they were true or not. It was how I was feeling (by now we are at home and I'm lying in the bed crying and he is talking to me). Fortunately through talking it out and getting a good emotional release by crying my eyes out I felt better. Nate snuggled me after and then fell asleep (it's okay though, I was feeling much better then :)).

My breakdown was in part due to triggers. One trigger is Fall, the end of October last year was when I first realized that my "intolerance's" to food was most likely just my brain needing medication. That there really wasn't anything wrong with me and I just needed listen to the doctor and get back on medications. I will never forget that day and that epiphany was correct! My second trigger right now is that I have never held a job where it ended well/or I did not get sick during it. Those situations have been due to either crappy jobs, me being off meds, or when I was not on enough meds.

My fears that also contributed to the breakdown are; not being able to take care of my future kids because of my mental illnesses, getting really sick when I am pregnant, getting super sick again, starting my job in November and how things have not ended well in the past. Most of my fear is about me getting sick again through one avenue or another. I told my counselor on Monday and he told me that I will be fine. That I am healthier and better than I have every been and we have figured out the medications I need, and that I have been doing really well and will be fine. It is SO nice to have someone to talk it out with and help you realize that things will be okay. Unfortunately it did not last through the next day (yesterday) given my giant breakdown. Even as I write this I feel the fear and feel scared. More rationally than the other two times but I'm still feeling it and it is awful. I'm hoping that pretty soon I will not feel the fear anymore or will be able to just push it out of my brain and not believe what those feelings and thoughts are telling me. I can only describe what it feels like when I am sick as what Hell must be like. That is why it scares me so much because it is Hell and torment. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and sympathize with those who also struggle with their mental health even if it is no where as severe as mine. So to those who also struggle know you are not alone! It's scary but with the right tools you can get help and be well again!

So I will keep trucking along. I need to stop writing about this because it is really getting to me and I need a distraction from it. Off to go hang with the hubby.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012


So it has been a week since I last posted and quite a bit has happened since then. Here is the jist:

1. I got a job! Yay! I start November first and will be watching a 3 month old and a 2 1/2 year old (who is potty trained, score). I will work M-F, 8ish hours a day. The pay is not what I would prefer and significantly less than I have made in the past being a nanny but they are a perfect fit for me. Also my obligations are solely the children, nothing around the household besides just cleaning up after the children. So it is all good. I am excited and very nervous, and also scared.

2. We get loans! Long story short the people Nate talked to on two occasions have not known what on earth they were talking about. The last one was about loans and whether we get them every quarter or not. They said no, they were wrong and now we get money. Sometimes it is awesome when someone is wrong, this being one of them. Pay your tithing, nuf said.

3. Conference was this weekend. I felt closer to the Holy Ghost and Heavenly Father than I have in a LONG time. I can't remember the last time I felt that way, it may be even years. It was beautiful yet frightening that it has been sooo long that I had forgotten what it felt like. With my anxiety, OCD, and Depression it can make it very difficult to feel the Holy Ghost and peace in general. It helped me realize that I for sure needed to up my Trazadone medication. So I am able to feel the Holy Ghost more in my life, and on a daily basis.

4. Change of medication. I went to the doctor and bumped my medication from 100mg to 150mg (Trazadone, I am on 40mg of Celexia). Last night was my first larger dosage and I think it helped me sleep more soundly. It will take weeks to really see how much more it helps me but I am looking forward to the change. Hopefully that will be enough for me but we shall see. You can go up to 400mg on Trazadone so there is still plenty of wiggle room. I am hoping I do not have to take that much, I don't think I will but I will do whatever it takes to get me functioning at full capacity.

5. Personal Training. I have seen a Personal Trainer off and on for about a year and a half now with a large break in the middle (when I decided to get off my medication and went crazy). I came back from the break last May and really hit it hard. I was seeing great results but then I went on two Vacations and hurt my back so I was out for about 2 months. During that time I still ran but I was unable to do my Strength Training workout. Anyways I saw my P.T for the first time in two months last Wednesday. It was really good and I am excited to start that up again. I have gained probably only 5 pounds during my two month break and am ready to get crackin and see results again!

6. Mood. The last three weeks or so have been rough. I had about two weeks there of severe depression where eating was a victory in itself. Then a week of extreme anxiety with depression and OCD mixed in there. Although that last week was largely due to my period which started on Sunday. I get all crazy the week before I start my period. Which is annoying that it is the week before and not during, which would allow me to realize why I was being wacky. Yesterday was the worst I have felt in months and it really scared me. Fortunately I had counseling and was able to get it all out and have someone to talk through it with, that helped so much. Afterwards I went straight to Nate's work and got a free meal (he gets a free meal every time he manages so I go there sometimes and ask him to feed me since he doesn't use them all the time). I ended up eating and talking to one of the girls who works there for hours. It was super nice to be distracted and to get to know her. I see a budding friendship happening. After she left I hung around until Nate got off at midnight. Yesterday was one of those days where I could not stand to be alone with my brain and needed lots of distractions. So it worked out well.

7. Today. I am feeling much better than yesterday so far. Which is very very nice. I still have the constant hum of Anxiety going on but today is much better than yesterday. I feel like I am in control of my brain today and can ignore it's craziness. So Thankful.

8. Grandpa. My Uncle is writing a memoir for my mom's dad who passed away in 2002. He has asked everyone to write memories to be put in the book. I need to do that today. I was going to get it done yesterday but that didn't work out to well :D

So this wraps everything up. I might write a post going into the feelings and fears I was having yesterday. So that might be coming up soon. Hope all is well with everyone. Advice of the day is to keep trucking along, knowing that there will be better days.


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Thanks, but no thanks.

Warning: I wrote this when I was pretty upset but kept it as is to get the point across.

Sometimes people say things that bug the Hell out of me ( I am not a swearer so for me to use this word means I really mean it). Like when someone stated, "Cancer is 90% percent preventable, and Alzheimer's is 70% preventable". Statements like these make me want to tell people to go screw themselves. I understand they are finding things to do to prevent cancer such as; not smoking, not living in a tanning bed/outside 24/7 and the like.

As for Alzheimer's they got squat so far on things that for sure will affect the outcome of whether you get it or not. They still know basically nothing regarding Alzheimer's. So when someone mentions to me that "this helps prevent and cure Alzheimer's", I get riled up sometimes. I know people mean well, I really do. Unless you personally know someone who has benefited from whatever you are claiming or a legit study on it I would rather you not mention it. There are thousands of articles and sites claiming this or that cures/prevents/slows Alzheimer's. I can do a quick search and find that information you found by myself easy peazy. So don't bother.

What a comment like that comes across as;

1. "Hey stupid didn't you know that this will do blank blank blank? It's a fact."
2. "I noticed you and your family despite the hundreds of hours of research your father has put into it aren't doing your job to help your mom".
3. "Let's give you a ray of hope only to be dashed into a million pieces and then set on fire when you look into it and there is no sound evidence backing my statement."
4. "Hey this is preventable, great job on ruining your mom and families life, your a champ".

Once again I know people mean well, but honestly unless you know for sure without a doubt what the crap you are talking about (as in real legit studies done, or someone you know personally), don't bother. Seriously.

It is hard enough watching my mother die, I don't need your comments that unintentionally or intentionally tell me I am sucking as daughter and my family has neglected and failed in preventing, curing, and slowing my mother's Alzheimer's.

What you can do to help;

Pray; that a cure will be found someday, that my family will be blessed to know what is best for my mother, that we will be blessed with moments of peace in the darkness that is Alzheimer's, that we will be able to process and grieve the situation, that we will be able to let her go in time.

Tell us; what you remember of her, how she helped you.

Comfort and help us; by sending messages or texts or comments letting us know how you feel regarding the situation, listening to us when we need to talk, for those who are in Oregon near my parents asking my dad what you can do to help (or you can ask me especially if you do ask him and he doesn't come up with something), visiting my mother (she remembers everyone still and loves being visited), validating our feelings.

If you realize you were one of the "no no" commentors brush it off and just be aware from now on. I still love you.


Monday, October 1, 2012

Dear Mom.


I went on a walk for you yesterday! Nate, Lorin, Izzy, and I were the four amigos. Next year Nate and I will work hard to have a better turn-out, it was so late notice this year. Sorry about that, I will be sure to do better next year :D With me I took a note you wrote to your mom about being a mother, and a birthday card you and dad wrote right after I got married. Around my neck I wore a butterfly necklace that I got in Colorado with my friend Kim when we were on vacation there together for her sister-in-laws baby shower. It reminded me of you and I wear it to remember your sweet spirit. A thought I had while I was there was "I wish mom was here, she would rock this walk". You little speed walker you. Thanks to generous donations I raised $225 dollars on behalf of you! Because of those donations I got a free t-shirt and a tote, although I was bummed they didn't have any more smalls so I was drowning in my medium. Oh well, it was awesome regardless. That morning I was nauseous and nervous before the walk and had a hard time eating anything right before, silly right? I'm not sure why that was, just the reality of it all maybe? Finding something I could do about your illness was a breathe of fresh air.
 Izzy pups.

Other walkers
 Lorin reigning in the pups.

You know what is crazy? People are reading my blog. I started it to just get out my feelings and write for myself but it has turned into more than that. Many have told me how much they appreciate me sharing my feelings and being so open. That means a lot to me, because now I have something I can do about it all. No I can't take your Alzheimer's away like I wish I could, but I can share my experiences and feelings with others.   So who knows where this will take me, but I am hopeful it will continue to be good.

I love you so very much mom. I had an "aha" moment the other day when someone shared this in a message to me, "Remember that you get to teach your future children about who your mother was by showing them what she taught you and who she helped you to be". That is exactly what I am going to do. This is one thing I have such a hard time with; my future children never getting the chance to meet you when you were well, even Nate came into the picture after you were sick. I am beyond grateful for that sweet message.

Guess how much I love you? I love you to the moon and back.


Saturday, September 29, 2012

Take that Alzheimer's!

So I mentioned in my previous post that people left comments and sent messages that meant a lot to me. 

Here are a few of them (without names). 

      I wanted to message you privately because I want you to know I am sincere in what I am 

      saying. I love your family so much and feel like we've all known each other for way longer than 

      we really have. I also know (because of many of my own personal and family struggles) that 

      nothing anyone says really helps, at least until you have had the time to adjust to the loss you 

      are experiencing/have experienced. Remember that you get to teach your future children about 

      who your mother was by showing them what she taught you and who she helped you to be. I 

      know that thought won't fix it or make it hurt any less. But I love to see you and everyone in 

      your family and how much compassion and love you learned from both of your parents. I can 

      see just from watching as an outsider that your mom taught you to love your faith and stand firm 

      in your testimony and I hope I can teach that in my home because it is amazing. Please know 

      that I mean it when I say that *husband* & I care about you and your family and how you 

      are feeling. We love you.

      Glad you are working through it, keep talking it out.

      Maquel I cannot even imagine going through what you and your family are experiencing. I am thinking/praying for you and your family.

      My heart goes out to you and your family. I am thinking of you all.

      So yeah blogger is tweaking out because I copy and pasted from Facebook and Word so the format is a little weird. Once again I appreciate all the support, and all of those who shared such thoughtful sweet words (those that are on this post, and elsewhere). The first comment on this page gave me an "ah ha!" moment when she says, "Remember that you get to teach your future children about who your mother was by showing them what she taught you and who she helped you to be." Aha! Alzheimer's can't take that away, so I win! That is one of the best feelings in this situation, feeling in control of something related to it. I feel that is part of the key to surviving it, finding the things you can do about it and doing it so you don't constantly dwell on what is out of your control. Life is full of  both things we can change and things we cannot. The key is finding those that we can change and doing something about it. Which usually ends up being things we can do that will make those things that we cannot change more bearable. I refuse to accept the notion that there is nothing I can do about this or any other thing in my life. There is always something. 

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Thank You.

So I have received many comments through Facebook of love and support and I cannot tell you how much that means to me. I hope you realize that I post these for me, and I am not trying to get attention. Although I really appreciate the comments, a lot. I just don't want people to feel like my blog is all "WHY ME? POOR ME!". My main reason for doing this blog is to vent things out and work through my feelings. I'm starting to find that it is becoming more than just that. Many people have told me how much they appreciate me sharing my feelings on the situation, how I have opened myself up. To those I say, your very welcome. Many times I have wonder and still wonder "Why is this happening to her?". I think those who have been touched by my story are one of the reasons "why". So thank you for that, it is beyond words how refreshing it is to find answers to my "why" question. For those who have reached out to me I will get back to you, sorry it is taking me a little while. Last post was very...draining? is how I can best explain it. That is why I have not responded and I promise I will in time.

I went to counseling today. I have seen a counselor off and on throughout my life for varying reasons. Today we talked about the "Alzheimer's Can Go To Hell" post. He is the one who encouraged me to post it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to display such strong emotions of anger but that is all apart of the grieving process. I read him the comments and messages people gave/sent me. He told me that I should keep at it, because it could help a lot of people. With Alzheimer's you feel so helpless and hopeless. There are so many unanswered questions, and no cure. There is still SO much that they do not know about it. With so many other diseases there are treatment options, but with Alzheimer's there are 0. As in nothing to try to cure it, only medications to mask the symptoms. Which do not get me wrong I am very grateful for. I am not looking forward to the day when my mom no longer responds to medications. One day at a time right? Anyways, what I am trying to say is I have found a glimpse of Hope. Hope that through sharing my thoughts, feelings, and insights I can help others in whatever circumstances they are in. Hope that one day their will be treatments for those with Alzheimer's, doubtful in my mom's life but someday. One may ask why do you not have hope that they will find a cure for your mom while she is still alive? Well my mom could live anywhere from a couple more years to many more years, so for the sake of not driving myself crazy I hope that there will be options someday,  instead of a specific time frame. Also the damage is already done to my mother's brain and I'm guessing the first step will be finding a way to stop the progression, which it is already to late for her.

So the plan is to keep chugging along by writing in my blog and just living. The last couple of days since finishing writing/posting the "Hell" post have been rough. Has anyone ever sucked at feeding themselves? This last week has been a struggle. I have been depressed so I don't really want to eat, I don't really want to do much of anything. Which is okay, it is healthy to get depressed now and again and not surprising given the circumstances. So yeah I have been kind of feeling like an infant unable to take care of myself, okay not that extreme. Although the fact that I sharted myself yesterday begs to differ. Yes you heard me right, it happened. First time for everything am I right? I share this with you because it is FUNNY and I have decided that humor is my second love. It has been really helpful this last week. It also helps to be married to a goofy/funny guy who is a blast to be around. Go Nate! If you can't find the humor in life then accidently poop a little in your pants and you will, that is my mantra for the day (possible life) . Oh and I have a job interview Friday, yay! Crossing my  fingers this will be the one! Over and out.


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Alzheimer's can go to Hell.

This is the thought I have had on this trip home when she (written while home);
  • Doesn't want to see her grandchildren because it is to much for her to handle.
  • Gets lost at the age of 56.
  • Can no longer shower herself.
  • Needs me to button her pants.
  • Needs someone to cut her fingernails.
  • Can't form a word while speaking.
  • Can't dress herself.
  • Gets confused.
  • Asks if it is her fault.
  • Forgets what I just told her.
  • Has to go up and down the steps one step at a time very slowly.
  • Gets an emotionless glazed look on her face as though absolutely nothing is going on in her brain.
  • Can't read.
  • Can't write.
  • Has a hard time following conversations.
  • When I try and guide/hold her hand it tremors and twitches.
  • After showing her exactly how to use a soap dispenser at a gas station her trying so hard but not being able to do it by herself.
  • Her throwing a two year old tantrum twice (fortunately this does not happen often).

(Cont. After getting back from trip)  What is difficult;
  • Not being able to talk to her on the phone because she doesn't know how to use it anymore.
  • Not being able to talk to her about my worries, concerns, and fears because I don't want to burden her and she will most likely forget it next time. 
  • I long for my mother who is no longer there.
  • I have to watch what I say so she doesn't get upset about something.
  • Aching and longing for someone who is no longer there but is still there physically.
  • When I remember what is going on to the full effect and acknowledge what is, what is to come, and what has been lost already.
  • When I find myself racking my brain trying to figure out why I feel so crappy only to realize it is because of my mom dying.
  • Avoiding seeing the parts of me that are from her because it reminds me of who she was and no longer is.
  • Keeping my distance from my religion which deep down I have a passion for, because it hurts to always be reminded of her and what she taught me/showed me was true.
  • When my heart aches more than words can express, and I feel so much loss.
  • When I get angry, and bitter. 
  • When I get so frustrated as to why her.
  • That my children will never meet my mom, and that Nate didn't get to meet her when she was fully herself. So not even he fully understands my loss when I am struggling and need to be comforted.
  • When people ask how she is doing when they don't really want to know the details.  
  • Watching my dad through it all, amazed at how positive and strong he is most of the time.
  • That I lost one of my best friends.
  • That I lost one of my sure voices of reason.
  • That I lost my mother. 
  • Not being able to have any closure, despite the great loss.
  • Not knowing what to do, and feeling so helpless.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I talked with my mom the other really.

   So I am pretty sure I am on the brink of my period and the week before it I am always insane. I wish it would start and then I get go all crazy so I could pinpoint exactly why I am feeling so nuts. Okay so I am not really insane it's just that my Anxiety, OCD, and Depression reach a whole new height the week before. I take medications which do a pretty good job of keeping things under control along with getting good sleep, exercising, and eating well. Thank heavens for modern medicine otherwise I would most definitely be in a loony bin or worse.

   Anyways, so my point is I was having a rough day. My illnesses where off the charts and I was miserable. I don't really talk to my mom about my daily struggles or any struggles for that matter. I use to but with this disease of her's it: 1. Causes her to be able to hold the phone and talk into it anymore because she can't figure it out for the life of her. 2. Her memory is very hit or miss with things that haven't been for a long time, which struggles then to be current and new. 3. I don't want to upset her because depending on how she is doing she can get very upset about things. 4. Even if I do manage to talk to her on the phone I can't read her so I don't know if  it is a moment of clarity for her or repeat where we have the same conversations a couple times in a row.

   So that night she could tell I was upset and I told her how my brain was telling me I was fat and had gained a bunch of weight on the trip. She grabbed me by the arms and pulled me into her room putting me before her glass sliding closet doors and said "Kelli you are thin, you are just fine. It is just your brain, your just fine." In that moment I knew I was fine and my brain backed off for the rest of the night. My mom was there in that moment and she has done it again, she had given me peace. In high school I struggled with my brain in this manner constantly and she was always reassuring me that I was doing just fine when it came to school, homework, church etc. She was my daily sound board and quite honestly got me though those years before I got on medication. Her voice was the one thing that could stop the OCD from torturing me constantly, the voice of reason. In that moment of need for me Heavenly Father had blessed her to be well enough to be that voice of reason again, and to bring me peace.

   I went into my room and sobbed. I cried because of the wonderful moment we had just had and because of how much I missed that. Being comforted and consoled by my mom and her helping me in my times of need. I had forgotten what it was like and it was bitter-sweet. At that moment as I was crying in my old room and I wanted her so bad, and ended up crying out for her. I didn't expect her to come or even hear me but soon enough I heard her walk up to my closed door, I stopped crying because I wasn't sure if I wanted her to know something was wrong. She said "Kelli, are you alright?". I opened the door and told her how I wish she wasn't sick. At first she thought I had said that I wish I wasn't sick. I remember her saying; "Kelli you are such a wonderful girl, and you have a good heart. I am so sorry you have to go through this, I love you so much." After I told her I meant I wish she wasn't sick she went on to say, "Oh Kelli I am fine, it's not that hard. I'm fine you don't need to worry about me." She really meant it. I really felt like I was talking to my mom, like she was peeking out from the Alzheimer's haze and it was wonderful. It was as if I was talking to her how she was years ago when the disease wasn't so difficult and she was mentally aware.

   I really hope I have more moments like that where I feel like I am talking to my mom without her Alzheimer's. The mom I cherish and remember, and hold on to seeing again in the next life. Gotta love the Counting Crows lyrics; "Don't it always seem to go that we don't know what we got til it's gone?." Isn't it so true?



Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Finding my mom in letters.

     I am currently staying with my parents in Oregon for a week and having a great  time. I am sleeping in my old bedroom and today I ran across a binder of letters my mother wrote my brothers while they were on missions for our church. At first I was skimming through looking for information on what was going on at that time in my life but I found so much more. In them I found my mom, the woman I remember. I honestly have started to forget what my mother was like, not fully but the current situation overwhelms any old memories of who she was most of the time. It takes effort to remember her and what she was like. Also I think a lot of the time I don't want to remember because frankly it is depressing and sad to realize she is now a shell of who she use to be. As I read them I remembered her and what she was like. It was bittersweet and I so thankful I have found a way to recall those memories and read her words. It made me weep and long for the mother I once had. She was one of the finest people you would ever meet. Her love for the gospel and her children and husband was undeniable. I remember her constantly involved in the church and finding ways to help those in need. She had one of the biggest hearts and was always praying for our family and others. I remember going to her when I was having a hard time and asking her to pray for me. I knew without a doubt that her prayers were heard by Heavenly Father and that things would come of it because of her faith. I never doubted the power of her prayers and would walk in on her kneeling at her bedside pouring out her heart to the Lord. It was a very common occurance and at the time I didn't realize the gravity and impact of what was happening.

      I also remember how my parents loved and adored each other. They were always holding hands, laughing together, giving sweet little kisses and loving being together. I remember the light in my mom, the spark, the drive, her. My parents are still in love today and affectionate but it is different due to the disease. My fathers love for my mother is evident everyday. He is so gentle with her and patient and it is sweet to watch. The other day I showed him how to straighten my mom's hair, he will do anything for that woman. He doesn't complain and does whatever he can to help her. They are a testament to me that love still exists and can make it through anything with effort. I miss my mother more than anything but I know I will have her again in the next life. I can't imagine what it would be like to believe that this life is it. I know for myself that it isn't and am beyond grateful for that. My dad will be able to get his wife back and us kids our mother. I can't wait for that day We love her now, always have, always will.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Update on mom.

It is starting to become difficult to talk to my mom on the phone. I don't call her near as much as I should but when I do she can't seem to remember how to hold it and talk into it. It is amazing the things we take for granted. My dad also said she can no longer shower herself so once a week he gets in there with her and helps her (fortunately she is not a smelly person and can go a week without a shower). She can no longer get dressed by herself either. He says she is still very happy and upbeat despite it all which is all we can really ask for. I can't imagine what it would be like if she was constantly depressed and down because of all the things she can no longer do.

I recently went and visited my sister in Utah. It was a good visit despite getting sick with the flu which her family so lovingly shared with me:D We talked about mom some and I mentioned how she is different than the mom we know. She flat out said how she is not the mom we knew. She is right and it sucks to say it/think it. Mourning someone who is still physically there is a slow torture at times. You want to mourn what you have lost but you can't fully because they are still physically there. I am no way saying I wish she was dead or anything just talking about how the situation is very difficult. My mom is gone. I think that is why it is so hard to talk to her because all I notice is what is not there instead of the person she is right now. It's like getting to know someone new and wanting the previous person back more than anything. Ugh it's so confusing. I'm done thinking for now.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Jobs jobs jobs...

So I am currently job hunting pretty hard core right now. It feels good. I am still hoping that whatever job I get will not start until the first of June so that I can hitch a ride with the in-laws down to Utah and see my sister and her family for a week. That would be amazing so I hope it works out. Today I am staying home from church because I am sick. Boo. It is a weird combination of symptoms; stuffy nose, itchy eyes, itchy nose, sore/scratchy throat. Nate had it earlier this week so I guess it is my turn. Oh for jobs I am looking into being a nanny again because so far the aid to the elderly is not working out so well. I am hoping to get a Summer nanny position with older children. That way we can go and do things and I can carry on conversations with the kids. We shall see what happens.

Tomorrow is my Alzheimer's group meeting. Hopefully it will be good. I missed last months because I was out of town so I am hoping to feel well enough to go this month. I randomly found this blog of a lady whose mom has Alzheimer's and she is now her care-taker and I randomly vented on it;

Blogger Maquel said...
My mom was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's at age 53 and I was 21. I still to this day remember when my dad called and told me. I was devastated but even then I had no idea what it really meant. I was in the denial stage for a couple years and only just a few months ago started to accept it. I live far away from my parents so it is easier to do that then those siblings who are still near home. One thing rang true in your blog. How it is so hard to let go of the woman she was and accept who she is now. She isn't my mom. I see parts of my mom in her but I know those will fade in time like everything that is already missing. I don't talk about it often with people. It really feels like nobody understands. The ask "how is your mom?" and all i say is "she is okay". What am I suppose to say? That she is no longer my mother. That my mom is gone. That there is no hope of ever getting her back. That my children which haven't even been born will not get to meet my real mom. That when I sob in my husbands arms not even he can truly understand because he never knew my real mom. She was gone before we met. It's so frustrating. Thanks for being a spot I could get this all out. For being someone who understands even though I have never met you and have only read your blog. Thank you.
May 4, 2012 6:05 PM
Blogger Linda said...
Maquel, you stop by here and vent any time you want. I'm so sorry for your grief. I know early onset Alzheimer's is even more difficult to cope with than other forms of dementia. May God comfort you in your sorrow, and I pray you find comfort in the knowledge that He will provide both you and your mother what you need on each step of this difficult journey.
May 4, 2012 7:30 PM