Wednesday, April 27, 2011

2 Days.

I did it! (So far at least)

Tonight marks two days since I last took any medication. I have weaned myself off and am crossing my fingers and praying it will take. So far so good.

I worked 13.5 hours between my current Nanny job and my old Nanny job. I am pooped but it was nice to see my "kids" again from the previous family. I think I will be working for them some more soon which will be nice.

Restless


I have been getting restless legs around bed time and sometimes in the night. I wonder if this is just a side effect of weaning/getting off of my meds? I know at least two family members get this so maybe my medication took care of it and now it is something I will have to deal with. Poopy if so. We shall see.

Mood


Stabilized and good so far. Loving every minuet of it. I feel more alive/alert/feely. By feely I mean feeling things more. Whether it be sadness, happiness, etc. I feel each emotion with more clarity. I feel more like me. It is really nice. I am thankful for modern medicine and it being there when I needed it the most and for the ability to so far get off of it/ no longer need it.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Train-wrecked.

A lot on my mind. Nate's schooling, kids, my mom, friends, my medication.

School

Nate's schooling- We had a scare these past few days. The possibility of him not being able to continue going to school at UNL arose. That was terrifying. Thankfully he met with an advisor and the coast is clear. Yay! Now to sort out Financial Aid. We might have to go solo in the fall and pay for it all by ourselves. Which would suck but is most likely doable. So Financial Aid we can work with where-as not being able to go to school.... not so much. So we are dealing with the lesser of the two evils right now. Which I am thankful for but still stressed about.

Kids


For the last few days the creeping reality that we might have another set back to starting a family might be coming. That is if Nate was unable to return to UNL. I honestly do not know what I would do if that was the case. I have my little heart set on trying for kids in the fall. Yes it may change and when I say "heart set" I really mean hoping. I am not expecting it but hoping that all falls into place so we can. Factors being; Nate feeling ready, financial aid sorted, feeling like it is the right time for me, medication gone or steady and the go ahead from a doctor (if on medication). So there are some definite factors that I am crossing my fingers will be good to go then. To be honest I thought I would start trying to have kids 6 months to 1yr after being married. I feel that I have postponed my desires to ensure it is the right timing. Which is hard at times when I have such a desire to be a mom. I have never said "I want a career", or "to travel"etc. All I have wanted is to be a mom. Yes in my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) we are encouraged to become mothers, and wives. But it isn't just that. I have a desire within me to bring life into this world and raise it. I don't want to be a mom because I feel obligated to. I want to. Very badly. Basically I want to be a mom really bad and am glad we are not having another major set back in that goal. I feel I have sacrificed a lot to cultivate this marriage and life we have in order to be ready to have kids. I am ready for my reward! If we are unable to have children then we will most definitely adopt. So either way I will have kids, I demand it!

My mom


Of course when life gets a little shaky as it has these past few days I get more sensitive about my mom. When I am reminded of her I get more sad than usual when life is tipsy. Which is not fun. At all. I am starting to look into support groups for those who have loved ones with Alzheimer's. I hope to find someone who is going through my same situation that I can bond, learn and grow with. That would be amazing. Don't get me wrong it is great to have siblings and family to lean on and go through this with. I just think having a friend who understands my situation but isn't in it (related/ know my family) with me would be wonderful. We shall see if it will happen. A tall order to fill.

Friends


I need some single or married with no kids friends that I can go out and do some things with. I need girl time. Do not get me wrong I really enjoy visiting and socializing with my friends who have kids. Or even if my friends with kids went out with me that would be awesome too. I just know that getting away from the kids is difficult and when it happens they usually want to use it towards being with their hubby's. Which is totally understandable. Basically what I am saying is I need girl time.

I also have some friends going through some difficult times. Some things that I wish I could "fix" for them but am unable to because we have agency. I feel us drifting apart because our current decisions are taking us on different paths. I hate that. I don't know have to fix it. I'm trying to figure it out.

Medication

I think it is going well. We will see how things go the next few days. Sunday through today have been not so hot but I think it is because of the whole school thing. So since that is cleared up I am hoping to be on the up and up in the next few days. We shall see. I am now down to 10mg and have been for close to a week. I'm hoping I make it to 0mg but only time and my body will tell.

It was nice getting these things off my chest. Writing can be very therapeutic and I am thankful for that. Here's to things looking up!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Weaning off the drugs

A little history:

In 2005 during the middle of my senior year I was diagnosed with OCD, Depression, and Anxiety. I was out of school for about 2 months while they were trying to figure out my medication and get it going. The process of getting on a medication is about 6-8 weeks. It is not an instantaneous "oh I need medication (*takes them*) all better!" It was hell. It was the worst two months of my life. Seriously just ask my family. I remember them telling me after  that they were worried I was never going to get better. Scary stuff. A story for another time.

Current:

I am weaning myself off of my medication. Just like it takes 6 weeks or so to get on them I have decided to wean myself off of them slower than even the doctor says to do so. I have been on 40mg for 5 years now so I decided to take it way slow. For two weeks I was alternating each day between a full 40mg pill and a half of one which equals 30mg a day. I am now a week and a half into taking half a pill (20mg) a day. Only a couple more days and I will go down to 10mg a day by taking half a pill every other day. I will do that for two weeks and then maybe go to half a pill every three days or just be done. We shall see.

Why I am doing this:

1. Babies. I want them so bad. I know that some medications are supposedly okay while pregnant but I do not want to risk it if possible. Now I am completely aware that some people need medication and will for the rest of their lives. Which means they take it while pregnant. That is totally fine as long as you have a doctor by your side. If the mom is not mentally well then the baby will suffer for sure. So it makes sense to take them if needed and with doctor recommendation. And if it turns out I need at least some medication for me to be mentally well then so be it. I just wanted to try and do without and see if I do not need them anymore. So far so good and I am halfway there!

2. Numb. Medications can numb you. I do not mean physically but emotionally. I do not feel things as strongly because my medication keep my feelings in the middle rather than way low or high. I want to be able to feel more like I did before. I usually do not think about it but sometimes it really bugs me. Especially at church. I was able to feel the Spirit a lot more before the medication and I want that back. Also to feel more love for Nate. I love that man with all my heart but I want to feel more if it is there to feel. If my medication is preventing that then I want it gone.

3. Intolerance.I have recently found out that I am Soy/Gluten/Dairy intolerant. Through trial and error of eating things and then feeling like crap afterwards I have weaned these things out of my diet. I feel a million times better when I stick to what my body can tolerate. Yes I miss being able to eat foods but luckily there are a lot of foods out there I still can eat. Also a company called Udi makes gluten/soy/dairy/nut free foods like; breads/bagels/muffins/cookies/ice cream etc. It is great. I can eat things I crave and not feel like crap afterwards. I have found that when I eat the things my body cannot tolerate it causes my body to get backed up which leads to bloating/gas/ and anxiety. Then the anxiety feeds into depression and OCD. This is a HUGE discovery for me because it has given me the hope that if I watch what I eat I might not need my medication! Also I just feel much happier and better everyday when I eat well. Even on my medication I would still feel anxiety/depression/OCD a lot when my body was out of wack (by eating those foods it did not like). So I am on less medication and feeling better then when I was on them and not watching what I ate. So win for me so far!

I am hesitant to post this. Many worries have crossed my mind. What if I am unable to wean myself off my medication anymore? What if 20mg is what I need? What if I get off my medication and get sick again? What if I am fine until I get pregnant and then loose it again?

There are many unknowns right now but I am trusting that it will work out one way or another. It may not work out exactly how I want it to. But thats life right? When does it ever go according to our exact plan? Or our plan at all at times?

Here goes nothing!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Lucky= A bunch of B.S.

So due to a misunderstanding between a friend and I (which was quickly resolved thankfully. Oh the downfalls of texting.) the term "Lucky" has been running through my mind.

First of all I really hate it when people say "You are so lucky this and that" when my so called "luck" has been a result of choices I have made and has nothing to due with luck. If they were to say "Thats awesome that because of the decisions you made you are where you are today" That is more like it. As for luck I really do not believe in it. We are given our hand of cards and what we do with it is our decision. Yes we do "get" things but I believe it is blessings from above and not luck. 

Do not tell me I am lucky when you could be in the exact same situation if you had made different decisions. It's not luck it a choice. We have so much more control over our lives and decisions than we give ourselves credit for. We all get into the groove of "Why me". Yes in life crap hits the fan. Sometimes it is a small spray and other times a fecal tsunami (a little much? meh.). BUT it happens to ALL of us. We all get our fair dousing. Whether it is visible to others or not we all get it. It is apart of life. So when someone tells me I am lucky when really it's a result of my choices, a swift reality slap in the face needs to be given.  

Life Moving Along (Real post date April 2nd)

Time to talk about my life besides what is going on with my mom. Although I am sure she will be in the mix of it all.

1. Conference. So far so good! I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and semi-annually we have a conference where the leaders of the church speak. It is televised all around the world so all members can watch. Even if they cannot watch it the talks are printed in a magazine and they can read them there. Neat stuff. It was really really good. I am excited to watch/listen to the second half tomorrow. I would not be able to cope as well as I have with my moms disease if I did not have the church. It brings me a lot of peace when it seems like there is no hope. Especially with her being gone. At least the mother I knew growing up. It is a harsh reality and not fun to come to terms with. I will post more about that another time.

2. New job. I am a Nanny again..yay! I work for a family of five. They have a 3yr old girl and twin boy and girl who are nine months old. It's a pretty good gig and hopefully I will work this job until Nate and I start popping out babies of our own.

3. Meeting with a personal trainer on Monday. We were suppose to meet today (Sat) but she got a flat tire and was unable to make it. When I signed up with Gold's Gym they give you one free Personal Training session. I am excited for it. My brother Chris is a certified Personal Trainer but lives in Texas so he sent me a workout schedule so I am going to bring that and go from there. I am excited. I have struggled with my weight since I was 17. Another story for another day. I am at a healthy weight right now which is good! I am wanting to tone things up/get fitter/and maybe lose a little more.

4. Getting my hair did! I have an apt. at a Salon. Oooo la la I know. I got a sweet coupon and am excited to get a haircut and hopefully a great place! My hair is really raggity and it has been many months since my last haircut. Long overdue indeed.

5. Izzy. Izzy is Nate and I's dog. She is our baby. We got her from the Humane Society January and have had her for three months now. She is a little over a year old which is perfect since we do not have the time or desire to raise a puppy. One day we may but not right now. I had recently been let go from my job as a Nanny and wanted to go see dogs to cheer me up. It was between her and another dog to see and I picked her. She is a perfect fit for us. She sniffs at everything ,including your breathe ( I know weird). She is super goofy which Nate and I are also so it works well.She is a big lean girl with a man bark. Seriously she sounds like a boy. She is a hound mix and we love her to death. She is our baby and is helping with the baby hunger that comes and goes.