Sunday, July 3, 2011

Frustration.

Let me start by saying if there is medical reasoning endangering the mother or the mother was raped I understand why someone may have an abortion. Otherwise no. I recently just watched close friends go through there baby being stillborn. Abortions are a slap in the face to anyone who has had a miscarriage,stillbirth, or are unable to conceive. It shouldn't be your choice whether you want this baby or not. You had the choice when you decided to have sex. And when you do have sex use protection. Abortions have made it easy for people to "undo" the mistake they made. I know some women have abortions because they feel pressured to by fear of what their parents or others will think/do. Or their boyfriends are pressuring them into it.

1. You would not be in this situation if you had not had sex. People knock abstinence but it works 100%.
2. There are people and places out there that you can turn to for help and guidance. Whether you decide to keep the baby or put it up for adoption.
3. Your not alone many women/girls find themselves in this situation.

It just blows my mind why people think it is okay. I have been crying off and on the past few days for my friends loss. So if it is wanted it is a baby and loved but if it is not it is just discarded like trash? How is this okay? I don't get it. It's all about choice. Pro-choice. You made your choice when you had sex. Now take responsibility for your actions and think of the little life you created and not yourself. Some say it is not a baby until it is born. So with my friends does that mean there baby was never alive since it wasn't born alive. So it never lived because it wasn't a baby until it was born? That makes zero sense whatsoever. Also the argument it is my body and my choice. It is apart of me. Your right on both accounts. It is also a consequence of your actions and your responsibility. There shouldn't be a delete button when it comes to creating life. You made your choice now take care of this little thing until it's ready to not be attached to you anymore. It's like the baby is treated like cancer or some unwanted disease. It blows my mind. Even if you don't believe it is a baby til it is born. It will become a baby if you let it be. So isn't it the same thing? Even if it is "not one now" but "will be when it is born" your killing a baby to be. How is that okay?

 

Missed Connections.(5/11/11)

I missed church today. Yesterday was a really crappy day. I have been having withdrawals from my medication (which are normal when you get off of them, so not to worry). Also I feel more now. I am no longer half numb to the things that are going on in my life. I no longer have a bumper to ease things. Just hitting them head on now. I am definitely going through an adjustment period which I expect to last a few weeks to a month if not more. So I was wiped out, yet didn't get to bed at a decent time. And to be honest I thought it was Mother's Day today and had zero desire to go to church and be reminded for three hours about how I am struggling with my own mothers illness.

Time to get real.

An illness that is slowly killing her and has resulted in her no longer being the mother I grew up with. That is what gets me the most. I had a chance to get to know her but couldn't fully because I was either too young or sick. I think when I was around seven or eight I started to transform from this free spirited little girl with an attitude to the perfect child. As I got older I became more and more of the perfect child; quiet, kind, perfect student, honest, obedient and so on. What you imagine as the perfect child/student that was me. Now from the outside it seemed like that was the person I became and that was all me. But it wasn't. It was a combination of my own personality mixed with OCD, Depression, and Anxiety. The free spirited little girl and spunk was lost within all this illness. It wasn't until senior year of high school that I finally got so bad I cracked.  After a watching my best friend drift away and leave me in the dust I fell apart. Now I do not blame her for what happened but it was the last straw that caused me to crumble. In a way I am thankful for that. Thankful it happened then rather than later when I was in college. Thankfully my own self would soon be unearthed from all that illness. I was out of school for two months straight. Not once did my former "best friend" call, come over or really ask what was wrong. She was too busy with her own life and it seemed like a "out of sight, out of mind" situation. Honestly if she had come over it would not have been pretty. For her sake it was probably for the best. Those two months were the worst two months of my life. They were what I think Hell must be like. It was Hell for my family and I. They had to watch it all and were there every step of the way. I went to counseling  saw a psychologist, got on medication and was nursed back to health by my family. I mean that in a literal sense. I remember my mom had remind me many times a day what my jobs were; eat, sleep, take my pills, exercise. When the first medication didn't work my parents took me to the ER in a last attempt to get things under control. They switched my medication and through time I got better.

What I remember

  • I think it was the day after I went to the ER and my mom gave me a bath. The doctors said that might help me relax and feel better. I vaguely remember sobbing in the bath tube and freaking out so my mom got me out. 
  • Sitting in the downstairs bathroom hitting my head against the wall over and over. I don't know why I did it. I think the anxiety was so bad I had to do something and thats is what I did. 
  • Every waking moment being Hell. My main illness was OCD thoughts such as; your not good enough, and it's all your fault, you did this to yourself. Most people's brain has a filter that gets rid of these thoughts before even processing them/ thinking them. My filter was broken and these thoughts would run through my head hundreds if not thousands of times a day. So they became my reality. 
  • Trying to convince my family that what I was thinking was right and they were wrong. That everything was my fault and that I was doing this on purpose and did this to myself.
  • Rare moments of coming to the surface and understanding what was going on.
  • Only sleeping 2-3 hours a night even with sleeping medications.
  • Waking up was the worst. Whatever progress I had made through the day with my thinking was erased overnight.
  • One Sunday waking up and believing somehow I had made it so I couldn't get better. I had done to much and would never get better. Going around and trying to convince each family member. 
  • Waking up in the night or not being able to sleep and going to find someone about "what I had done" and all the other OCD thoughts that were my reality. The rule was I could not wake up my mom in the night. So I would wake up my sister and sometimes lay in the bed with her. The rule was if I was quiet I could stay in the bed with her. 
  • Trying to read a book for school at the beginning of this all and not being able to comprehend anything. Literally nothing. My brain was so full of OCD thought I could not read. I was unable to. 
  • Not being able to focus on anything. It's one thing when you are sick and have to stay at home and can veg and watch t.v. all day. I could not. I could not focus on anything. I was always stuck in my mind drowning in my ill thoughts. 
  • My mom making me take walks. When I would see a flower or a bird or what not I would say the word out loud to my mom like I was seeing it for the first time. Or just putting the word and the image together for the first time. 
  • Begging my family to institutionalize me because I couldn't take it anymore. My mom would tell me over and over that I was better at home and that they would help me get better. 
  • My mom taking care of me all day long everyday. I was a little kid again unable to take care of my basic needs and needing constant supervision.    

That is about all I remember. I'm sure if I tried hard to remember I would remember more but I don't want to do it. I do not know who would. Luckily I never had suicidal thought or the desire to commit suicide. Which was a blessing because if I had I am sure I would have at least attempted to if not succeeded.

When I got better after the two months I returned to school and finished up my senior year. Functioning normal for the first time mentally since my childhood. After graduating I went and nannied for my Aunt and Uncle for a month and a half and during that time went from 115 pounds to 165 in a span of one month. This was due to taking two medications that increase your appetite. I soon went a little boy crazy as my medication started to not work as well anymore. I switched to a new one which I had been on for over five years until recently weaning off it. Once my medication was all figured out I was me again. Not as free spirited as I once was as a little girl but not the perfect child anymore. I was a mixture of the two and have been ever since. I was me again. Even more so now that I have gotten off of my medication and can feel more.

I am eternally gratefully for my family for getting me through that time. Especially my mom. Since she has been sick I have had a hard time not being near her to help take care of her. I have prayed about it a lot and know I am where I am suppose to be. Luckily my younger brother has been able and chosen to live at home and help take care of my mom. He is with her during the day while my dad is at work. He has put his life on hold to take care of my mother and I am so grateful for that.

Missed Connections

I sometimes feel like I never really got the chance to get to know my mom. Yes we have always been a big part of each others lives but for the longest time I was sick and then we switched roles. We have never really had the chance to both be well and spend time together and now we never will. At least while we are alive. Sometimes that is really hard for me. Yesterday while in the shower I started sobbing uncontrollably. Crying out about how I want my mother back and vocally asking God why he has taken her away from me. Asking what is the reason. I honestly think I will never understand why while here on earth. Coming to terms with not knowing why is part of the trial. I could hate God. Curse him for letting something so horrible happen to her. For letting my family go through all of this. For letting her be buried deep within this illness and struggle day to day through the normal tasks of living. But I won't. Call me crazy but it is happening for a reason. Bad things happen to good people and my mother is a perfect example of that. Thats life. Thats why we are here. To learn and grow and learn to live. She has spent her life serving and taking care of others. Always. Now it's time for us to take care of her. I'm thankful for the opportunity to give back to her and to repay her in what little ways I can for everything she has done for me.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

2 Days.

I did it! (So far at least)

Tonight marks two days since I last took any medication. I have weaned myself off and am crossing my fingers and praying it will take. So far so good.

I worked 13.5 hours between my current Nanny job and my old Nanny job. I am pooped but it was nice to see my "kids" again from the previous family. I think I will be working for them some more soon which will be nice.

Restless


I have been getting restless legs around bed time and sometimes in the night. I wonder if this is just a side effect of weaning/getting off of my meds? I know at least two family members get this so maybe my medication took care of it and now it is something I will have to deal with. Poopy if so. We shall see.

Mood


Stabilized and good so far. Loving every minuet of it. I feel more alive/alert/feely. By feely I mean feeling things more. Whether it be sadness, happiness, etc. I feel each emotion with more clarity. I feel more like me. It is really nice. I am thankful for modern medicine and it being there when I needed it the most and for the ability to so far get off of it/ no longer need it.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Train-wrecked.

A lot on my mind. Nate's schooling, kids, my mom, friends, my medication.

School

Nate's schooling- We had a scare these past few days. The possibility of him not being able to continue going to school at UNL arose. That was terrifying. Thankfully he met with an advisor and the coast is clear. Yay! Now to sort out Financial Aid. We might have to go solo in the fall and pay for it all by ourselves. Which would suck but is most likely doable. So Financial Aid we can work with where-as not being able to go to school.... not so much. So we are dealing with the lesser of the two evils right now. Which I am thankful for but still stressed about.

Kids


For the last few days the creeping reality that we might have another set back to starting a family might be coming. That is if Nate was unable to return to UNL. I honestly do not know what I would do if that was the case. I have my little heart set on trying for kids in the fall. Yes it may change and when I say "heart set" I really mean hoping. I am not expecting it but hoping that all falls into place so we can. Factors being; Nate feeling ready, financial aid sorted, feeling like it is the right time for me, medication gone or steady and the go ahead from a doctor (if on medication). So there are some definite factors that I am crossing my fingers will be good to go then. To be honest I thought I would start trying to have kids 6 months to 1yr after being married. I feel that I have postponed my desires to ensure it is the right timing. Which is hard at times when I have such a desire to be a mom. I have never said "I want a career", or "to travel"etc. All I have wanted is to be a mom. Yes in my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) we are encouraged to become mothers, and wives. But it isn't just that. I have a desire within me to bring life into this world and raise it. I don't want to be a mom because I feel obligated to. I want to. Very badly. Basically I want to be a mom really bad and am glad we are not having another major set back in that goal. I feel I have sacrificed a lot to cultivate this marriage and life we have in order to be ready to have kids. I am ready for my reward! If we are unable to have children then we will most definitely adopt. So either way I will have kids, I demand it!

My mom


Of course when life gets a little shaky as it has these past few days I get more sensitive about my mom. When I am reminded of her I get more sad than usual when life is tipsy. Which is not fun. At all. I am starting to look into support groups for those who have loved ones with Alzheimer's. I hope to find someone who is going through my same situation that I can bond, learn and grow with. That would be amazing. Don't get me wrong it is great to have siblings and family to lean on and go through this with. I just think having a friend who understands my situation but isn't in it (related/ know my family) with me would be wonderful. We shall see if it will happen. A tall order to fill.

Friends


I need some single or married with no kids friends that I can go out and do some things with. I need girl time. Do not get me wrong I really enjoy visiting and socializing with my friends who have kids. Or even if my friends with kids went out with me that would be awesome too. I just know that getting away from the kids is difficult and when it happens they usually want to use it towards being with their hubby's. Which is totally understandable. Basically what I am saying is I need girl time.

I also have some friends going through some difficult times. Some things that I wish I could "fix" for them but am unable to because we have agency. I feel us drifting apart because our current decisions are taking us on different paths. I hate that. I don't know have to fix it. I'm trying to figure it out.

Medication

I think it is going well. We will see how things go the next few days. Sunday through today have been not so hot but I think it is because of the whole school thing. So since that is cleared up I am hoping to be on the up and up in the next few days. We shall see. I am now down to 10mg and have been for close to a week. I'm hoping I make it to 0mg but only time and my body will tell.

It was nice getting these things off my chest. Writing can be very therapeutic and I am thankful for that. Here's to things looking up!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Weaning off the drugs

A little history:

In 2005 during the middle of my senior year I was diagnosed with OCD, Depression, and Anxiety. I was out of school for about 2 months while they were trying to figure out my medication and get it going. The process of getting on a medication is about 6-8 weeks. It is not an instantaneous "oh I need medication (*takes them*) all better!" It was hell. It was the worst two months of my life. Seriously just ask my family. I remember them telling me after  that they were worried I was never going to get better. Scary stuff. A story for another time.

Current:

I am weaning myself off of my medication. Just like it takes 6 weeks or so to get on them I have decided to wean myself off of them slower than even the doctor says to do so. I have been on 40mg for 5 years now so I decided to take it way slow. For two weeks I was alternating each day between a full 40mg pill and a half of one which equals 30mg a day. I am now a week and a half into taking half a pill (20mg) a day. Only a couple more days and I will go down to 10mg a day by taking half a pill every other day. I will do that for two weeks and then maybe go to half a pill every three days or just be done. We shall see.

Why I am doing this:

1. Babies. I want them so bad. I know that some medications are supposedly okay while pregnant but I do not want to risk it if possible. Now I am completely aware that some people need medication and will for the rest of their lives. Which means they take it while pregnant. That is totally fine as long as you have a doctor by your side. If the mom is not mentally well then the baby will suffer for sure. So it makes sense to take them if needed and with doctor recommendation. And if it turns out I need at least some medication for me to be mentally well then so be it. I just wanted to try and do without and see if I do not need them anymore. So far so good and I am halfway there!

2. Numb. Medications can numb you. I do not mean physically but emotionally. I do not feel things as strongly because my medication keep my feelings in the middle rather than way low or high. I want to be able to feel more like I did before. I usually do not think about it but sometimes it really bugs me. Especially at church. I was able to feel the Spirit a lot more before the medication and I want that back. Also to feel more love for Nate. I love that man with all my heart but I want to feel more if it is there to feel. If my medication is preventing that then I want it gone.

3. Intolerance.I have recently found out that I am Soy/Gluten/Dairy intolerant. Through trial and error of eating things and then feeling like crap afterwards I have weaned these things out of my diet. I feel a million times better when I stick to what my body can tolerate. Yes I miss being able to eat foods but luckily there are a lot of foods out there I still can eat. Also a company called Udi makes gluten/soy/dairy/nut free foods like; breads/bagels/muffins/cookies/ice cream etc. It is great. I can eat things I crave and not feel like crap afterwards. I have found that when I eat the things my body cannot tolerate it causes my body to get backed up which leads to bloating/gas/ and anxiety. Then the anxiety feeds into depression and OCD. This is a HUGE discovery for me because it has given me the hope that if I watch what I eat I might not need my medication! Also I just feel much happier and better everyday when I eat well. Even on my medication I would still feel anxiety/depression/OCD a lot when my body was out of wack (by eating those foods it did not like). So I am on less medication and feeling better then when I was on them and not watching what I ate. So win for me so far!

I am hesitant to post this. Many worries have crossed my mind. What if I am unable to wean myself off my medication anymore? What if 20mg is what I need? What if I get off my medication and get sick again? What if I am fine until I get pregnant and then loose it again?

There are many unknowns right now but I am trusting that it will work out one way or another. It may not work out exactly how I want it to. But thats life right? When does it ever go according to our exact plan? Or our plan at all at times?

Here goes nothing!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Lucky= A bunch of B.S.

So due to a misunderstanding between a friend and I (which was quickly resolved thankfully. Oh the downfalls of texting.) the term "Lucky" has been running through my mind.

First of all I really hate it when people say "You are so lucky this and that" when my so called "luck" has been a result of choices I have made and has nothing to due with luck. If they were to say "Thats awesome that because of the decisions you made you are where you are today" That is more like it. As for luck I really do not believe in it. We are given our hand of cards and what we do with it is our decision. Yes we do "get" things but I believe it is blessings from above and not luck. 

Do not tell me I am lucky when you could be in the exact same situation if you had made different decisions. It's not luck it a choice. We have so much more control over our lives and decisions than we give ourselves credit for. We all get into the groove of "Why me". Yes in life crap hits the fan. Sometimes it is a small spray and other times a fecal tsunami (a little much? meh.). BUT it happens to ALL of us. We all get our fair dousing. Whether it is visible to others or not we all get it. It is apart of life. So when someone tells me I am lucky when really it's a result of my choices, a swift reality slap in the face needs to be given.  

Life Moving Along (Real post date April 2nd)

Time to talk about my life besides what is going on with my mom. Although I am sure she will be in the mix of it all.

1. Conference. So far so good! I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and semi-annually we have a conference where the leaders of the church speak. It is televised all around the world so all members can watch. Even if they cannot watch it the talks are printed in a magazine and they can read them there. Neat stuff. It was really really good. I am excited to watch/listen to the second half tomorrow. I would not be able to cope as well as I have with my moms disease if I did not have the church. It brings me a lot of peace when it seems like there is no hope. Especially with her being gone. At least the mother I knew growing up. It is a harsh reality and not fun to come to terms with. I will post more about that another time.

2. New job. I am a Nanny again..yay! I work for a family of five. They have a 3yr old girl and twin boy and girl who are nine months old. It's a pretty good gig and hopefully I will work this job until Nate and I start popping out babies of our own.

3. Meeting with a personal trainer on Monday. We were suppose to meet today (Sat) but she got a flat tire and was unable to make it. When I signed up with Gold's Gym they give you one free Personal Training session. I am excited for it. My brother Chris is a certified Personal Trainer but lives in Texas so he sent me a workout schedule so I am going to bring that and go from there. I am excited. I have struggled with my weight since I was 17. Another story for another day. I am at a healthy weight right now which is good! I am wanting to tone things up/get fitter/and maybe lose a little more.

4. Getting my hair did! I have an apt. at a Salon. Oooo la la I know. I got a sweet coupon and am excited to get a haircut and hopefully a great place! My hair is really raggity and it has been many months since my last haircut. Long overdue indeed.

5. Izzy. Izzy is Nate and I's dog. She is our baby. We got her from the Humane Society January and have had her for three months now. She is a little over a year old which is perfect since we do not have the time or desire to raise a puppy. One day we may but not right now. I had recently been let go from my job as a Nanny and wanted to go see dogs to cheer me up. It was between her and another dog to see and I picked her. She is a perfect fit for us. She sniffs at everything ,including your breathe ( I know weird). She is super goofy which Nate and I are also so it works well.She is a big lean girl with a man bark. Seriously she sounds like a boy. She is a hound mix and we love her to death. She is our baby and is helping with the baby hunger that comes and goes.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Lightening the Mood

Seductive no?


This is a link to my brother's blog where you can find hilarious posts. He is very intelligent and funny which equals very entertaining and humorous stories. This one is about "The Little Thumper" which is a vibrator that he received as a white elephant gift and is now giving it away! Plus a 25 dollar gift card to the Cheesecake Factory to whoever wins the contest. Yay! So yeah I am trying to win. Go me. I really just want the gift card. Follow the link and enjoy! You will thank me later.