Sunday, July 3, 2016

Anger

I know people mean well when they try to give me advice and tips on how to get better but it is exhausting and often invalidating. You need to sit down with me and have a long, long discussion of my history, my pain, my symptoms, and me in general before you are even slightly equipped to help me. I do not need your advice on the ways "you got better", because frankly the suggestions are often invalidating of my experience, and when given make it obvious that you do not comprehend the gravity of the situation I am in. Also, I am one of the most self observant, self advocating, and self aware people out there. I have been told that time and time again by people I know and professionals. So if I ask for advice, please load me up. If I do not, stop trying to fix me. Stop telling me what I need to do/not do, and "what worked for you". I work fucking hard daily to just survive and manage my symptoms. At this time in my life I just need you to be with me, and sit with me, and refrain from telling me what to do or how to fix my situation. You are not equipped or trained on how to help me. Many people with degrees do not fully comprehend what I am going through because of my unique situation. So please take a seat. Listen, be with me, and validate what I am feeling/thinking. Stop trying to fix me and my situation. 

Also I am not equipped or healthy enough to hear the details of your abuse. I have had a couple people, unsolicited, tell me all the details in a message and I cannot handle that. If I ask what specifically happened to you in detail, please do tell. I appreciate those who have reached out and just said something like, "I have also been sexually abused". That is fine. But details, and unloading on me is not okay. It is triggering as fuck, and makes me feel out of control, and that I somehow need to fix you. It is not good for me or you, and not appropriate. I know people generally mean well when they do that, but that is what a therapist is for, or a good friend. Not me. 

I am currently very angry right now. About my situation in life and everything that has happened to me. If that makes you uncomfortable, then it is best you steer clear of me. It is a phase and it is very VERY appropriate given my situation, and VERY healthy I am feeling this way and processing it. So sit with me and love me, or come back later.

Thanks for reading.


Maquel

Thursday, January 1, 2015

I Have Wounds, Even Though You Cannot See Them.

I am going to join a Sexual Trauma Support Group next week. I am really scared because I have no idea what this is going to stir up/bring to the surface. I know I have lots of healing still to do and that really scares me. Sometimes it gets really bad and while I am not suicidal I do not want to live, at all. It becomes so overwhelming and I just can't cope. I can see why some people chose suicide, or attempt it. We live in a world where unless you are bleeding or visually can prove there is something wrong with you, people think you are making it up, do not take you seriously, and ignore. They give harmful suggestions like "you choose your happiness so just choose to be happy!", "you are in control of your emotions, so control them". I am here to tell you that those two statements are the biggest pile of bullshit ever. Ablsolute bullshit. The thought that people would chose to be depressed, anxious, angry (regarding bad things that happen to them), suicidal, obsessive compulsive, bipolar, manic depressive, and so on is completely illogical. You know that right? So why do people keep trying to tell others to just be happy and that you are in control of your emotions? Because we have an obession with control. If we are not in control/not under the illusion that we are in control we freak out. So we choose to not take people seriously when they say "I am fill in the blank", or "blank happened to me", and jump to the conclusion that they can control it if they just do xyz, or it never happened. If you do this you are part of the problem. If we allowed ourselves to be more open with our emotions and others took us seriously, the world would be a much better and healthier place. All emotions are a healthy reaction to things that happen in our life. It is what we choose to do with the emotions is where the ability to actually control factors in.

Don't get me wrong I too jump onto the fix it train at times, when really most of the time people just need to be believed, validated, heard, and supported. If we all chose right now to do just those four things the world would change overnight and it would be so helpful for everyone. Those who are struggling mentally/emotionally would get the validation and support they needed to keep trucking on, and those who do not struggle mentally/emotionally could fufill their desire to help by actually doing things that will help and make a difference in the other person life.

I was molested as a kid. It ruined my life. I find my life despite the great friends, family, and spouse in absolute shambles because of what happened to me. I am a victim working on becoming a survivior. It took most of my life to even get to the point where I no longer was in denial and truely faced what happend to me and how it has affected every piece of my life, and still does today. I often have the thought over and over that I do not want to live. This is not me wanting to committe suicide, it is my brain saying "I can't cope", "I don't want to do this anymore", "this is too much", "it hurts too much". The reason I am writing this down and putting it out there is because people need to know what it is like to be a victim of sexual abuse. Many of you might say "oh, well I know so and so and they seem fine/say they are fine". That my friends very well could be denial, which is a coping mechanism, and was me for many many years.  Trust me at some point in many victims lives, it will hit them like a brick wall and will leave them breathless and in shambles. It is true there are some people who are literally so resiliant that it will not result in that, but for many that is not the case.

You cannot see my wounds but they are just as real as any cut, or physical illness. It is hard to show them to people because they cannot be seen, and are so raw and personal. Also the fear that people will not believe you holds me and many others back. This post is me showing a bit of it, because I think it will help me heal, and I want others to know they are not alone.

If you want to help people, believe them when they tell you they are struggling, that they are hurt, that they need help, that something really really bad happened to them. Also never put blame on the victim. A victims brain automatically shifts into guilt mode, and by blaming them in anyway you are reaffirming those lies, which is really detrimental to that person. It is never the victims fault. EVER. I get no one wants to aknowledge all the bad things that are happening in this world but sexual abuse and abuse in general is so rampant and common that we need to stop ignoring and pretending it does not exist. It does, and ignoring it, blaming victims, and not believing victims only perpetuates the problem. Please do not be part of the problem.

I am a wounded soul telling you I am very very hurt. I am in shambles. I am struggling. I am in survival mode, and doing the best I can to cope and heal. I did not chose this, I would never ever chose this. Please believe me.

My wounds are real, my wounds are valid, and so are yours.

I belive you, I see you, I support you.



Maquel



Sunday, November 30, 2014

I Miss Her More Than Life Itself

Today has been rough. While I was trying to make myself some dinner I was overwhelmed with grief of the loss of my mother (mentally, physically she is still alive but that too is deteriorating at a rapid pace) to the point where I could not feed myself, let alone function. I laid down on the kitchen floor and sobbed. Nate who could hear me in the living room asked if I was okay and came in and comforted me. I could barely talk and express my feelings and needs at the time. Nate lovingly listentened and comforted me, then made me something to eat.

I'm sad, depressed and overwhemled with grief. It has been hitting hard since Thanksgiving Day. The holidays are always hard now that she is sick, and by far the hardest time of the year.

I have been trying to help and focus on others and I am just so burned out. I can't care an ounce more right now, and just need to take some time to recoup and process. When I get like this my brain tells me that I am a burden and that people do not really care, and just feel obligated. I feel unworthy of others love and kindness. Depression is a evil beast that tells you so many lies, and while it is lurking iniside your soul you cannot see the truth. It is not possible to until it starts to lift.

I see her in me somtimes which is comforting yet so heartbreaking at the same time. I miss her more than words can express. I wish I could say goodbye properly, or that I could just have one more conversation, one more moment, or one more day with her. I would give anything to have some seblance of the mother I knew and loved. I feel like somtimes I am forgetting her, and through that, losing her forever. This spring it will be 6 years since her diagnosies. Six years since we all found out that there was nothing we could do but slowly watch the one we loved so dearly and completely die a slow death right before our eyes. A woman so full of light, love, kindess, happiness, and joy. One who touched everyone she met and loved so wholely and unconditionally.

It is unbearable to watch the person I love the most be snuffed out by a unforgiving and relentless disease that consumes the person wholey and completely. Her body is a constant reminder of what once was, what should be there. What is long lost, and can no longer be found. It is a unrelentless cycle of grief with no reprieve or closure because you're morning a person who is still physically there but otherwise completely gone. It baffles the mind and soul.

She is the one who comforted me in all my times of need, and saved me when my brain failed me. The pain at times is so severe it takes my breathe away, or leaves me parilized. I don't know what to do without her. I don't know how to live without her. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be with her.

Monday, July 14, 2014

It has been a while.

I took some time off from blogging publicly. I have a spiral notebook that is almost completely filled. I was at a point in my journey where I needed to just be very private. The last couple of months I have been doing some intensive therapy where I have worked on remembering my repressed memories of being molested. It is where you close your eyes, and you say everything that you remember. As time goes on you remember more, and more, each session. I now remember it all, and have "my story". I feel this is a crucial part in my healing process, because now I actually know what all happened and can process it all. One cannot fully cope with something you cannot remember.

I am still not working, or driving. This past week I switched up when I take my meds some, so that I get more help with anxiety in the day. Seems to be helping I just need to adjust to it since the medication I am talking about makes you sleepy.

I am still trucking along. Missing mom today, and wishing I could be with her before she got sick. Sometimes I feel like I am forgetting her. It's been so long since she has "been there", that it is hard to remember what she was like before. Which is troubling, and unnerving. I was thinking about how I learned empathy from her, and that is a quality I really relish and appreciate.

Lots of thoughts.


Maquel

Monday, November 11, 2013

Church. Breakthrough.

I made it yesterday. We were 15 minuets late but fortunately there was a baby blessing and a bunch of stake business/announcements so we made it in time for the sacrament. I am definitely glad I went but since confronting my past and accepting that my mom is dying I have had mixed feelings towards church and the gospel in general. There has been a lot of anger, frustration, and confusion. I have had it out with God many times now, swearing and all. Thankfully I always feel better afterwards and am able to get a bit of peace and comfort.

I wish anger and frustration at God was taught as an acceptable feeling at times. Horrific things happen to us and others and anger and frustration is a perfectly healthy response. Even though I am still distant with God right now I know once I break through this, our relationship will be much stronger than before. I am letting myself feel what I feel instead of stifling the emotions because they are "bad". Anger and frustrations are perfectly healthy and normal to feel and God knows that. I was molested, my mom is dying a horrific death that is akin to watching a crash in slow motion, and you can't look or get away. If I didn't feel angry or frustrated something would be wrong with me, honestly. I am human, I have human emotions and responses and that is okay.

I have been to church only twice in the last couple of months as I am giving myself the distance and time to work through some things. Yesterday was the first time going in a long time that I didn't have a panic attack or have to drag myself to go. I wanted to go and was ready to, instead of pushing it like I was doing a while back.

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to be at peace with what is happening to my mom. I don't have to be okay with it, it is not expected of me to. I know some member of the church would say otherwise and that I need to be grateful for this trial. To them I say, F off. You do not know the relationship I have with with my Savior and Heavenly Father so don't try and tell me how I need to feel in regards to my trials. Plus you really think they expect me to be okay with it? Hell no. In time I will find peace again, and learn to accept what is happening, but I am never going to be okay with it.

I wish we were more open in church about the trials we faced so we could be of better support to each other. I wish we were less judgemental people so that people would be more willing and open to do so.

I am currently searching for others who understand my specific situation with my mom. I just learned about a support group with people around my age in Omaha. I feel really alone in all of this. I appreciate the love and support of others but need more people who understand and who can tell me how they made sense of it all/survived it.

I know things will continue to get better all around through time but sometimes it just gets so tiring. To those who are reading this who are amidst their own trials and tribulations, I feel for you, I too understand the loneliness and confusion. You are not alone in your feelings of sorrow, frustration, anger, and confusion. I am right there with you. It will get better right?

Especially those who have lost or are losing a loved one. I understand the broken heart, the emptiness, the utter dispair, and confusion. I am wading through it myself, your not alone.

We are never alone.



Maquel

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I Wish My Mom Would Die.

I wish my mom was dead so I could get some relief. It kills me inside to say that but it is the truth. I wish she was dead. She has been mentally gone a long time and the process of watching her slowly die in every way imaginable is Hell. I am tired. I want it to end. The last couple of months I have realized that the people close to the Alzheimer's victim suffer a great deal more than the victim themselves.

My mom is happy day to day. She has my dad and all of us kids who love her. She lives in the moment due to the almost complete destruction of her short term memory. So thinking much about yesterday or tomorrow or even 5 minutes ago is not a possibility for the most part. Constantly in the present. So my dad and brother being able to take care of her and doing a fantastic job equals her being happy. Which I am so very grateful for.

The rest of us are on the sideline watching her slowly die. Constantly in the past, present, and future. What I wouldn't give to just be in the moment with her. To not remember that she is dying, or what she use to be like. To just be able to enjoy her in that moment without realizing that she use to be able to feed herself as my dad helps her eat, or speak properly as she forgets words and struggles with others or all the other hundred things. To just enjoy her as she is right now. To forget that the woman who is sitting next to me is a stranger and a shell of the woman who was my saving grace while growing up. What I wouldn't give to have just one more day with her complete and whole. I would do anything for that. Sometimes I find myself pleading with God to make her better, to heal her, because I know he has the ability to, but he won't.

I am angry with him, very angry. I am tired, frustrated, in agony, and really really do not want to do this anymore.

 Today I give up.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Heartbroken.

She wasn't suppose to leave me. How can she be happy without me?

When I went home I said goodbye and told her everything I wanted her to know. I told her I wish this wasn't so difficult for her. Her repsonse was that she is happy because my dad is taking care of her and because all us kids. This should make me happy right? Well it did at first knowing that she wasn't suffering but then the emotions came out.

I feel abandoned. I feel like she left me behind. The thought "how could she be happy without me" keeps racing through my mind. You may say I add to her happiness because she even said us kids make her happy. For me right now I can't believe that. Yes I think she enjoys seeing us for the most part. But you see she doesn't fully get to enjoy us. Her ability to feel joy feels so minimal because she can't keep up with our lives, or call us on the phone to chat now and again. Converstations will always be forgotten so there is no continuation of her keeping up on our lives except the basics. It feels like she is in this little box that can contain only so much, and almost nothing new. I am glad she is happy there, but at the same time I am not. She doesn't get to add to the box everything that has happened since her short term memory went. So it feels like the old me is the only thing that exist in her box because it is now gone and can't be accessed, frozen in time. I think to myself how can she be happy like that? It is because she doesn't know any different. I feel the real me here and now doesn't match the one in the box. I have changed and will never match.

She has been withindrawn within herself and with her the ability to reach her. To truely be with her, talk to her, feel her near. I haven't felt those things with her for so long. She's gone. There are glimpses of her but they are faint and hidden beneath the illness. I don't know this person. I don't want this person. I want my mom who is gone and will never come back. She left me behind and I don't know how to live without her. I don't want to live without her.

She is suppose to be here. She isn't suppose to be gone. None of this makes sense. There is no peace. She is stuck between earth and heaven and there is no way to reach her. To find her. I can't find her. I want her to come back, to be with me. For my family to be whole again and right. It's not okay that she is gone, it never will be.

I can't let her go because if I do it will be giving up on her. On some miracle that I know won't come but cry out for. I don't understand, I don't think I ever will. My heart is broken, it hurts so much.

It doesn't make sense, Alzheimer's doesn't make sense. It takes them away and traps them so nobody gets them. It goes so slowly and yet so fast all at the same time. It makes you want her to not live much longer so you can finally grieve for the last time. So you can be free of the torture. Free of watching the one you loved the most disapear, into nowhere. Not disapear to heaven, but to leave right in front of you but be there all the same, trapped. Trapped in a body that doesn't work anymore, doesn't let itself be the person you once loved inside of it. A body that mocks you, and makes you cringe. A body that reminds you of all that is lost every moment. It's so sick and twisted. It makes you long for their death then hate yourself for wishing it. It takes them before you can say goodbye. I tried to say goodbye but it's not her, it's not my mom. I can never say goodbye to my mom, never truely. I long for it, I wish I could go back and tell her how much I love her. How much she meant to me and that I don't know how to let her go. I want to ask her how to cope with loosing her, how it can be okay. To have her remind me that it will be okay. To have her pray for me, that I will find peace.

Somtimes I talk to God. Not very often lately. I tell him I am mad, and I can't let go. I tell him that this shouldn't be happening and it doesn't make sense. That he should have never taken her from me. I ask him why she is stuck in this limbo between here and there. What purpose it serves because I can't understand. I don't think he has an answer for me. No any that I already know, which do not satisfy. I ask him how could he take her away from me. How he could be so crewl. I somtimes get peace when I do this but the pain never goes away. How do I live with it? How do I let it become apart of me and accept it? The truth is I don't want to because as far as I am concerned this isn't okay, and he should not have taken her. Being at peace with it all in my eyes would be letting go of her and I can't. I'm not ready.